St. Valentine's Day Massacre (of the Truth): Which Sex Lies the Most to Their Soulmates?
In an age where deception has reached epidemic proportions, however, Valentine's Day also presents an opportunity to examine the role lies play in our relationships. And make no mistake ... every relationship is touched by deception, whether it's used to avoid hurting our partner's feelings, to avoid the negative consequences of our actions, to make ourselves more appealing, to gain personal advantage, or to cover up the piles of b.s. we've been shoveling all over town.
Deception is the grease that makes the world of relationships spin smoothly. But here's the $64,000 question: Who does most of the "greasing?" Do men lie more to their mates? Or are women most frequently pulling the wool over the eyes of their partners?
Let the Debate Begin
Let's clear one thing up right from the start: Everyone lies. Deception is hard-wired into our DNA. Look at the animal kingdom. You'll find countless examples of deception in nature, where it's a survival tactic for living longer and reproducing more often. And while it's not necessary for humans to lie to reproduce (though in many cases it helps enormously), deception is vital for our social survival and long-term harmony in our relationships.
But men and women fib for different reasons. They even have different definitions of what constitutes deception. Here's a wonderful quote from Alexander Haig, former U.S. Secretary of State, that yields brilliant insight into how a guy views a lie:
That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.
Of course, Haig was famous for his Haigisms. But his scatological comment on lying throws the gender difference into stark relief:
Men tend to view a lie as a simple misstatement of facts.
Women tend to view a lie as an intentional untruth that hurts someone.
Does anyone else see a problem here? This one key difference opens up a whole whack of interesting dynamics between the sexes (as if there weren't already enough interesting dynamics between the sexes!):
A disturbingly high percentage of men believe not mentioning something -- say, a sexual dalliance with the intern after work -- doesn't qualify as lying to their significant other. Their rationale? No statement = no misstatement = no lie.
Men tend to view the relationship game as bloodthirsty competition -- a sort of Blind Date meets Gladiator, set to the Top Gun soundtrack. They self-aggrandize (translation: they lie their faces off) in order to squash their puny rivals and cart home the spoils of war (which, dear ladies, is you).
Women lie more readily in social situations because they are more sensitive. Sniff, tissue, please. They reason it's better to boost a person's ego with a little white lie than destroy them with the truth. (Wow, talk about a foreign concept.)
Women tend to be more dishonest in their private lives, usually to protect their children or their friends.
When it comes to fibs, another crucial difference between the sexes relates to their orientation. Of the fibs, that is:
Men tell more self-oriented lies, ones designed to gain an advantage for the liar (themselves).
Women tell other-oriented lies, ones designed to help someone else (usually the recipient of the lie).
But, despite overwhelming anecdotal evidence to the contrary, it's a 50-50 proposition when it comes to the frequency of fibbing. Most researchers agree: Men and women don't differ so much on the quantity of their lies, just on the content of their lies.
Yeah, right. Who's going to believe that?
Related Tags: relationships, dating, cheating, lies, valentines day, deception, lying, lying how to, lying men
Conner O'Seanery is a self-admitted serial liar and an expert on detecting deception in any situation. Author of You Won't Get Fooled Again: More Than 101 Brilliant Ways to Bust Any Bald-Faced Liar (Even If the Liar is Lying Beside You!) and You Won't Get Fooled at Work Again: 40 Timely Tips for Recognizing Deception in the Workplace, O'Seanery is a popular media guest whose insights have been featured on City TV's Breakfast Television, Global Television's NewsHour, CBC Radio, Westwood One Radio Network, USA Radio Network and hundreds of radio stations. His books have been featured in the New York Post, National Post, Seattle Times, Toronto Star, Ottawa Citizen and other newspapers. Conner is also a respected speaker who uses a blend of quick wit and well-earned wisdom to entertain as much as inform audiences. To download free excerpts from You Won't Get Fooled Again and You Won't Get Fooled at Work Again visit Conner's website at http://TheSerialLiar.com/
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