Have you ever said to yourself, when thinking about the loss of your loved one, that you are afraid to face the world without him/her? Or, have you said, "This isn't fair. I don't deserve this. Why has this happened to me? How am I going to bring up the children and pay the bills?"

Everyone talks silently to themselves every day. It is a normal human response that possesses great power in shaping the conditions of life. Often we fail to realize how negative our self-talk becomes. Yet, regardless of the nature of outer conditions, what is said to the self when grieving is critical in whatever action is or is not taken. And, the way you converse within, will heavily influence the amount of physical and emotional pain incurred.

In the final analysis, how you cope with loss will be influenced by many factors. But none carries more weight than what you say to yourself and the beliefs behind that talk. Here are some considerations for developing self-talk that can assist in coping with your loss.

1. To motivate yourself to deal with the loss never forget that your thoughts and the way you express them are extremely powerful. Every thought has a physical counterpart. Or, when you grieve, every cell in your body is grieving. Grief is hard work, demanding huge amounts of energy. You can conserve energy with soothing self-talk at the right time.

2. The single most important piece of self-talk you can generate is to tell yourself that you will make it through this sad time. Use whatever is most meaningful to you: "I am going to make it." "I am persisting." "I am winning." "I am doing it." Keep repeating and repeating so it becomes a part of your unconscious beliefs.

3. We all have unconscious beliefs that we are not aware of that affect behavior. They are learned early in life, and they may be reliable or highly questionable. For example, many people hold back tears because of the unconscious (and sometimes conscious) belief that crying is a sign of weakness. You can discover your unconscious beliefs by carefully watching your behavior and asking what belief is behind your actions or lack of action.

4. Use your self-talk when you become overwhelmed with painful thoughts. No matter where you are, standing in line at the grocery store, waiting for your ride, or sitting at your desk-have an affirming statement ready to use when you realize you are focusing too much on what you miss about your loved one. The key is to recognize if your thoughts are dragging you down.

Try, "I am switching the focus of my thoughts" or "I am changing." Then substitute a positive memory and add "That is beautiful." Keep repeating it and walk, turn to the left or right, or get up from your desk. Combine self-talk with physical movement whenever you can.

5. Use your positive self-talk as part of a morning wake-up ritual. What you say to yourself the first thing in the morning when you awaken can affect the quality of the day. "I am facing my pain and working through it" or "I am outlasting my pain" might be possibilities to start with. "I am making it through this day" is another choice.

Or, pray for the wisdom to make the right choices and deal with the new routines you must establish. Then start your positive self-talk and repeat each sentence at least 15-20 times. Always use "I am" to indicate you are in the act of doing.

6. Finally, give your physical self a breather by choosing to focus on taking a stress break each day for at least 20-30 minutes. Find a quiet place. Tell yourself to drain the tension and anxiety out of your body as you lie down. Say, "Let go. Release. Muscles relax." Keep coaching yourself to replenish.

You have the power within you to cope with your great loss. You can lift yourself. Yes, allow others to help. But you must consistently be the primary lifter. Make self-care a priority. You are doing this out of love for yourself, a truly noble and needed approach, in order to integrate this loss into your life.