Stage 4 of a Relationship - ALIGNMENT
A noticeable shift in thought takes place at this alignment stage, from a reactive to a proactive approach, and a sense of acceptance enters the relationship. The most crucial task for couples now is to reinvigorate their relationship and connection as a twosome. This involves learning positive interaction skills and cultivating creativity which then redefines the union. Each person takes responsibility for his/her own problems and sheds the illusion that their partner is the key to their happiness. Each partner becomes fully aware of the other's personal world and feels comfortable with this difference. It is finally clear that you can't reshape your partner as he will never change, so clear boundaries and trade-offs are now respectfully determined to accommodate this difference.
In this stage of virtual independence, each spouse gives up on changing the other and begins to concentrate on her/himself. He realises his partner cannot meet all his expectations and begins to find other ways to have those needs met. She is likely to become more self-loving instead of always seeking love from him. He also reclaims his own projections that he fought against in his partner. For example, the emotionally repressed man with the 'too emotional' wife begins to accept his own emotional side. The paradox of this independent stage is that we first have to be self-loving before we can receive love from others. We have to be capable of being independent before we can become interdependent and we have to nurture a good relationship with ourselves before we can have a healthy relationship with another. In short, until we are whole within ourselves, not just halves of a couple, we cannot have a healthy relationship.
Stuck at Different Stages
Looking back with cold detachment on my own long relationship, I can see that I had already reached the alignment stage of independence and self-love while my ex-husband was back there in the insecure, familiarisation stage. There were so many things I wanted to do, to achieve and to experience, due to a greater awareness of my identity and desires. For example, being an African Caribbean in a society not noted for successful minorities suddenly assumed importance and influenced my next choice of career after teaching. Unfortunately, it brought me into the public eye at the same time my ex was still coming to terms with his own identity and needs, with his own sense of achievement and appreciation of himself, as well as the new me!
He simply wanted a quiet wife in his corner and this difference kept him stuck in the anxiety stage while I rapidly moved on. The tragic result was that everything I did he regarded with suspicion and negativity, accompanied by lots of accusation and blame. Being at different stages of the relationship, without an opportunity to share perspectives, there was no movement or resolution between us until the end. I did not understand this distinction and barrier between us until I began to study relationships in earnest.
But how do you get from angst and frustration to accommodation, from conflict to resolution? It's not easy but there are four key actions to help.
Related Tags: happiness, expectation, calm, interaction, accommodate, alignment, congruence, independence. respect
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"
Your Article Search Directory : Find in ArticlesRecent articles in this category:
- Metal Detector Can Save Lives
Wars and unexpected accidents have been one of the many issues that have been unavoidable in the liv - Discover How Pool Float Toys Affect Your Summer Vacation
Hot. This is a perfect description what summer is. It is a feel-good time for families to enjoy a nu - Luxury Watch For Your Loved Ones and Yourself
Whether it's a birthday celebration, anniversary, Christmas or even just an ordinary day receiving g - Why Purchase Swiss Army Watches?
Wearing a wristwatch or having a pocket watch is a very important accessory of a person because it t - Personalized Groomsmen Gifts : Engraved Groomsmen Mugs
Giving something personalized for your groomsmen is a wonderful idea to let your friends feel that t - A Few Helpful Baby Shower Tips
Baby showers are wonderful occasions that usually create lasting memory for both expectant parents a - Discount Groomsmen Gifts That You Can Purchase Online
Weddings are special and memorable occasions that should be planned well, and one of the most vital - How to Wear a Knee Boot
A lot of women today are trying to integrate a knee boot into their fashion style because they are a - Wearing a Knee Boot
A knee boot is definitely something you should be investing on most especially during the cold seaso - Finding Cheap Skis
If you are a fan of various water sports, you are probably one of those people who have been in the
Most viewed articles in this category:
- Capitalism Under Attack: Petrodollars, Petroeuros and the Iranian Oil Bourse
"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous [...]. Havi - One Percenters
Hells Angels Inc is the most successful enterprise of its kind in Canada.In 2000 they moved into Ont - Monogamy: Is She My One and Only?
Copyright © 2007 Susan Adams After decades of matchmaking experience, years of being active in - The Best Of Oprah's Favorite Things
Oprah's annual Favorite Things show has been causing a frenzy with fans for the past six years. But - Researching British Soldiers Who Served in the 1914-18 Great War
At In the footsteps BATTLEFIELD TOURS we occasionally receive enquiries about how to trace the recor - Reefer Madness Replaced by Hydro Hysteria
In the 20's there was Reefer Madness, now we have the 21st century version; Hydro Hysteria. Mari - How Can Society Stop Sexual Predators
Perhaps society holds the lowest regard of all for sex predators, those evil men who prey on that wh - Making Communication Work For Your Relationship
Brooke said to Gary, "In our entire relationship, I've gone above and beyond for you … for us. I co - How To Attract And Seduce Women Using The 'Unmask Method'
When it comes to meeting, attracting and seducing women, most guys don't know where to start. But th - How to Keep Your Man Feeling Lucky and Happy
Your Good Man hopes that you will remain the loving, beautiful, feminine, kind, sexy American Geisha