A relative once confided rather gloomily that he had been to a party which was not very enjoyable because hardly anyone spoke to him. Lacking the necessary interpersonal skills, he clammed up like a frightened crab, hugged one section of the room and hoped someone else would make the first move. No one did and he was the loser. Being frightened of initiating contact themself, he was, of course, ignored.

Interpersonal skills are essential ingredients of good communication and social finesse, but they do not come naturally. They are strongly related to the way we were brought up (whether we were expected to be seen and not heard), our inner feelings about ourselves, our level of confidence and degree of interest in others. When such skills are missing in the home, group or office, it can lead to loneliness, frustration, non-cooperation and substandard service. Routine skills are required on three levels: personal, social and occupational. To have them well-developed means you can communicate verbally, physically and in writing with far more confidence and assurance.

For example, merely knowing how to use a phone is an indispensable personal tool. Often people dial a number without any idea of what they are going to say or how they should address the person at the other end. Instead, they become the victim of nervousness, they mumble incoherently and at length while they waste needless time in their search for information and their desire to be understood. On the other hand, some receptionists may rudely, or impatiently, respond to callers in a manner suggesting some surprise that anyone should ring their number to disturb their peace!

The Need for Social Skills

Good interpersonal skills assume even more importance on a social level. They are the invisible glue which binds relationships together. Without those skills, we would cause much pain and anguish for our friends and associates and unhappiness for ourselves. Advance skills reveal themselves through a readiness to share ideas and resources, to give credit where it is due, to offer constructive criticism, to enquire into a person's health or circumstance or even being the first one to say hello.

Shy people find it difficult to do most of these things because their own level of self appreciation is often so low they cannot project a favourable image of themselves or take any genuine interest in others. The focus is always on themselves as they seek approval without really having the courage to get what they want. Being pre-occupied with what strangers are going to think, or how they will be treated, shy people come to dread every interaction.

But if we find it uncomfortable to talk, meet people on their level or make constructive contributions, we are missing out on much of what helps us to hone those skills to perfection. Inevitably, they remain underused, underdeveloped and immature. My relative was afraid of talking to others first and, being equally self-conscious, they were afraid of taking the plunge too. RESULT: Unnecessary tension, needless fear and missed opportunities.

The third level of interpersonal skills is connected with our jobs. It is at work where they are in great demand, especially when a good deal of office politics arises from petty jealousy, lack of confidence and poor social skills. Like the personnel director of a large company whose secretary was the third one in a year and she was already half way through the door because of his boorishness. Being very good at his job, he probably believed his position made him indispensable and excused him from the 'trivia' of treating staff properly. However, his inept behaviour was a sure sign of weak interpersonal skills, common to those who neglect or derogate their staff. They are often 'too busy' to communicate, yet readily showing up to pronounce verdict the minute things go wrong.

Negative Interactions

This is because, at the negative end of the social skills continuum are people who constantly find fault first, no matter how good something is; who are often aggressive; who enjoy bullying others and even like to use violence to disguise their lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Chronically lacking in interpersonal skills, they use alternative methods of social interaction to push their way through the world. In this forceful manner, they use their physical size, intellect, narrow perspectives or controlling manner to impose their viewpoint on others and belittle their honest efforts. This might compensate for their own inadequacies but it keeps their interpersonal skills at a primitive level. There is not much room to manoeuvre if one is always right!

People who are regularly abusive and aggressive; who are constantly on guard and suspicious of others and who deliberately display an air of Ramboesque bravado, have built barriers around themselves to prevent exposing their vulnerability - one crying out to be wanted and appreciated. They may have been hurt in the past or they have had little personal recognition so they go on the defensive, seeing slights and insults even where none is intended.

Often they find it difficult to reason orally because their verbal skills are limited and their actions dictated by habit rather than logic or context. For them, being aggressive breeds a 'toughness' they wish to display while hiding their acute fear and lack of esteem. However, the only guaranteed result is that such actions reduce their positive interactions even more, thereby diminishing their status as well as the regard and respect of others.

It is not difficult to appreciate that speaking clearly and concisely, making people feel welcome, being able to join in a discussion, appreciate a colleague openly or rationally argue a point of view, are all useful personal skills which enhance our competence and general appeal.