A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
PROVERBS 15:1

Anger is not your problem. You may be asking yourself, "If anger is not my problem then why in the heck am I reading this blog?" You have to remember, we all get angry it is a natural human emotion. Anger is not the problem. It is what you do with your anger that gets you in trouble. Don't try to stop "being angry". You will just frustrate yourself even more. Instead allow yourself to feel the pain and the anguish. As a matter of fact, by the power invested in me, I now grant you the right to be angry. There is one stipulation, sin not. In other words learn how to manage this powerful emotion without hurting yourself or others.

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.-William Blake

In the first paragraph of this blog I promised to give you tools to manage your anger. So hopefully this is the part you have been eagerly waiting for, this is the answer to your question, "What do I do?"

I'm going to give you your first weapon in fighting the battle against anger. Are you ready? Listen closely. Go to a mirror. Do you see that large cavern beneath your nose? It's your mouth. Open it! In order to release yourself from the bondage of anger you will have to learn to communicate. You have to speak what is on your heart, no matter how painful it may be. So many relationships are destroyed because one party did not say enough or said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Most people hide how they really feel behind an angry mask. It is so much easier to be angry than hurt. The Bible says death and life are in the power of the tongue. In other words, you have the key to your victory or defeat by what you say. You can kill a friendship, a business deal or a marriage all with your mouth. On the other hand, one word, (the right word) can secure a life of peace and prosperity. Effective communication is the most important component in managing your anger.

Effective communication is a combination of what you say and how you say it. You must be sure the other party knows exactly what is concerning you. Anger is a secondary emotion. This means that there is always an underlining more painful emotion hiding behind anger. When we are angry, we often communicate but in the wrong way. What are you saying when you are angry? If you are like most people, you are not sending a clear message.

· When you feel ignored or abandoned do you speak about your feelings of rejection or do you shut down and pout?

· When you feel mistreated or disrespected do you go into a violent tirade or do you sit the individual down and explain to them how they violated you?

No one can read your mind. It is up to you to develop the courage to tell others how they have hurt you. This type of communication may leave you vulnerable and fearful, but it is that vulnerability that makes relationships pure and complete. When you close your heart you protect yourself from being hurt but you also prevent yourself from being loved and being loving. You cannot be responsible for how others react to your honesty. There may be some friends who will try to take advantage of your attempt to build intimacy. My question to you is, "Is that the type of friend you need and deserve?"

Once you have learned what to say you must develop the skill to say it the right way. When you open the floodgate of emotion you, may find years of suppressed pain, sadness and frustration uncontrollably pouring out of you. At that point it is time to package the message in a way others can receive it. We all have developed different ways to communicate our feelings. Sometimes our communication styles are genetically inherited and sometimes we pick it up through our surroundings. Let us review the various types of communication styles.

There are four basic communication styles:
· Passive
· Aggressive
· Passive aggressive
· Assertive.

As I describe each style, identify which one applies to you and the people close to you.

Aggressive

In my line of work, I most often come in contact with the aggressive communicator. This individual will curse, yell, hit or spit to get their point across. They are rarely concerned about the time or the place in which to launch a full out attack. The aggressive communicator never really communicates how they feel or what the problem may be. They are more concerned with destroying people than looking into themselves. Often the other party never knows why the aggressor is angry. All they can do is defend themselves from the flying plates speeding toward his head. The aggressive communicator often leaves the conversation embarrassed by their violent actions and filled with guilt. Most importantly, the issues that spawned the anger remain unresolved.

Passive Aggressive

The passive aggressive communicator is a master of words, looks and gestures. I like to think of the passive aggressive individual as the ninja of communicators. They are gifted in the sneak attack. They know where your weak spots are and will hit you fast and hard. The passive communicator is calm and uses a pleasant voice, but they know how to say just the right thing to cripple their opponent. A passive aggressive wife may come to bed wearing your favorite perfume, a sheer negligee and a smile, she may look her husband in the eyes, stroke his shoulders and say, "Good night honey, see you in the morning." Most men would rather be shot than to suffer such a blow to their ego and libido. Passive aggressive communicators are masters of sarcasm and innuendo.

You may be surprised by the most common reason for anger and aggression. It's not being cheated on by a mate, its not loosing a large some of money and its not even loosing a loved one to sickness and disease. The most common reason for anger and aggression is silence.-Unknown

Passive

The passive communicator never speaks their mind. She is like Edith Bunker, agreeing to everything, "Yes Archie" she whines. A passive communicator does not speak up for what they believe. They allow their rights to be trampled upon. Passive communicators are often insecure. They never want to hurt anyone's feelings. They cannot stand to be rejected. They are often full of loneliness and resentment. No one knows how the passive communicator really feels and they begin to hate because of this fact. You may often hear of the passive communicator who explodes with a wrathful vengeance. Those who knew them say, "They were always such a quiet person." Well, that was the problem; they were too quiet. The passive communicator lacks courage and hates confrontation. Telling the truth is not always the most comfortable thing to do, but it is more comfortable than living a perpetual lie.

Assertive

Assertive communicators say what they mean and mean what they say. There is no hidden agenda. They just want to give an accurate message in an effort to promote dialogue. The assertive communicator is not afraid of how an individual may react to what they feel. As an assertive communicator you understand that you have no control over how others respond to you. It is your job to send a non-combative message. Your goal is to tell an individual how you feel, why you feel that way and what they can do to change their behavior.

Assertive communication can be mastered by practicing this simple formula:

I FEEL_____WHEN YOU______BECAUSE ______I NEED_______.

All you need to do is feel in the blanks.

I FEEL
By telling the other person how you feel, you avoid using accusatory and provoking statements. You also give the listener an opportunity to respond to your primary emotion, the pain, the frustration or the fear you are feeling instead of anger.

WHEN YOU
When you use the words "when you", you communicate to the listener exactly what they are doing that disturbs you. The listener now has enough information to respond to your grievance and/our make adjustments to their behavior.

BECAUSE
The word "because" lets the individual know why their action is so disturbing to you. For example, maybe you cringe every time someone corrects your errors. You may need to explain to the listener why this causes you trauma. It is possible that it is difficult for you to take harsh criticism because you father never affirmed you and told you that you would grow up to be worthless. The word "because" helps the listener understand the motivation behind your feelings.

I NEED
Lastly, you need to tell the listener what type of behavior they can participate in that is less troubling to you. It gives the listener options and advises them how they can help you.

The following is an example I often use in my classes. It describes how I've learned to ask my wife to get off the phone and pay a little attention to me. Also, notice the use of the word honey. It never hurts to sweeten the delivery with a few terms of endearment.

"Honey I feel neglected when you continue to talk on the phone hours after I have arrived home, because it makes me think you don't want to spend time with me. I need you to hang up the phone and tell me how your day went."

When used correctly, you have a sentence that communicates your needs without hidden and mixed messages. The listener comes out of the conversation without any confusion about what they can do to rectify the situation.

There is more to communication than just words. If you are a student of American Politics you well know that everything that comes out of someone's mouth is not the truth. We communicate with our whole selves. Turn down the television and watch your favorite drama. Look at the faces of the actors, their gestures and movements. Can you discern what emotion they are experiencing? Our facial expressions relay a wide range of emotions. A wink, a smile and raised brow can tell a thousand stories. The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul. Looking through them we become witnesses to years of pain or sudden exhilaration.

Voice tone adds another layer to a communicated message. Did she whisper sweetly "I love you" or did those three words come through muttered and strained. The volume, rhythm and pitch of the voice can be the difference between a well meaning compliment or a deathly threat. A genuine communicator will match what they say with the way the say it.


Shannon Munford M.A. MFT, CAMF
www.daybreakservices.com
http://angerarchive.blogspot.com

Shannon Munford is the owner of Daybreak Counseling Service an anger management education center in Los Angeles, California.