Part 1 - Falling in Love

Have you ever been in love? Why did it feel so good? Once you identify that person, the person who seems to be so special, so much better than everyone else, you allow yourself to be filled with an incredible joy. Why do you think this is? This is a very interesting question, but the answer is fairly simple. The person who falls in love is instantly and dramatically transformed, moving from great uncertainty to absolute certainty in virtually the blink of an eye. Even though this transformation may be remarkably short-lived, for most it will remain one of the defining experiences of their life.

Now they know what they really want. A few days earlier there were still a great variety of doubts, some of them perhaps major in their significance, but once they fall in love these doubts fade into the background, now seen as trifling when compared to the massive good fortune which has just fallen their way. Everything becomes incredibly clear. The only thing that really matters is this love, and their greatest wish is that their love is returned. When you fall in love, of course, the chances of this happening must seem at least fairly good, because hope is essential to the very existence of this feeling.

To put it another way, if you don't feel this deep sense of hope, then you won't fall in love. This explains why we don't all fall in love with the glamorous television and movie stars, which we may admire from a distance. The fact is, we understand that their standards are so high and their opportunities so vast, that there is absolutely no chance of them ever falling for us. So, we simply get on with our lives, trying to move forward in some meaningful way, while, perhaps in the background, entertaining the hope that we will one day meet that person who will feel really special to us. When we do, our highest hope is realised, and we feel that our future is brighter than we ever imagined possible.

The introduction of hope on this huge scale always brings deep gratitude and great joy. You now feel that you are the luckiest person alive, completely amazed that you managed to find that one person who could transform your life. You also understand how amazingly unlikely this meeting was, considering the relatively small number of people that you meet in your everyday life, a fact which inspires enormous gratitude to life itself for treating you so incredibly well. Filled with all these wonderful gifts, you finally feel so happy to be yourself, because you are the only one that is being presented with this very special opportunity. True love, it seems, has finally arrived, and this great flood of enjoyment pushes aside the many sad and painful memories, leaving you free to enjoy the present moment as never before. Surely, this is how a human being is really meant to feel: so alive; fulfilled; complete; happy and joyful. But, everything seems to rest on how this relationship develops.

Now, let's look at some of the qualities that inspire this feeling of being in love. The most obvious element is physical attraction, an observation that gains particularly strong support from those people who relate their personal stories of love at first sight. Of course, this statement usually refers to quite a bit beyond the person's physical appearance. It may also refer to their style of dress, the way they interact with others and their demeanour. The sound of the person's voice, what they have to say, and how they respond to your presence, could also play a crucial role in confirming this initial impression. In other words, a great deal of information is conveyed in a variety of ways, occasionally producing the astonishing marvel that we describe as falling in love.

There are certain rules that seem to guide this process. It seems to be the case, for example, that most people will only fall for someone at the appropriate level of attractiveness. Through experience, everyone knows roughly where they stand in this regard and will therefore, generally, not fall in love with someone who is clearly out of their range. Just as the absence of hope prevents us from falling for the stunningly good-looking film and sporting superstars, it also stops us from falling for the very attractive people that we sometimes meet in our daily lives.

Although physical attraction is clearly the most important element for many couples, these relationships are often very unstable. Where partners lack real emotional maturity, for example, selfish considerations will frequently prevail over the wishes of their partner, a tendency that is likely to surface with increasing regularity over time. Then, when the early physical attraction starts to fade, or the inevitable conflict becomes too severe, the union is put under even greater pressure. Predictably, most couples eventually break up under this strain and go their separate ways, but there are many others that simply struggle on, for a wide variety of reasons. These reasons may include the investment already made, the convenience of being together, being married, having children, and so on. Whatever the justifications are, it is extremely unlikely that their home will be a very happy one.

Mature relationships really require two mature individuals, people who are sensible, purposeful, reliable, largely at peace with themselves and well disposed towards others. When partners lack this essential maturity, bitter conflicts are bound to arise, and these battles will certainly pose a major threat to the love that initially fostered such great hopes of future happiness. It is worth noting, however, that there are many degrees of maturity and immaturity, and that these very broad categories are also very flexible. Just as we are all affected by our life's major events, we will also be affected by the treatment received in our most intimate relationships, and that impact can be either uplifting or degrading. In other words, it may inspire us to become better people, or it may leave us feeling very hurt and confused.

Unfortunately, there is no shortage of damaged people in our present world, a fact that is clearly illustrated by some of the more obvious behaviour problems afflicting our present society: alcohol abuse; drug abuse; solvent abuse; problems with gambling; serious eating disorders; credit abuse; promiscuity; self-mutilation, anti-social and criminal behaviour. Even though this cursory list clearly includes millions of people, with a great variety of personal problems, no one would seriously suggest that this tells the whole story. And, while these people largely represent the far extreme of the spectrum, it should also be added that most of us remain a fairly complicated and constantly changing mixture of mature and immature qualities, which accounts for so much of the unpredictability that we often see in the area of human relationships.

Despite their evident lack of inner peace, most of the people that engage in the kind of destructive and self-harming activities mentioned above clearly retain the capacity to fall in love and to inspire love in others, especially while they remain at least fairly attractive in appearance. But, where they do pursue relationships, their serious personality and character flaws will usually prevent that love from maturing in the way that it really should. And, if the love that is based primarily on physical attraction doesn't mature, then it will certainly struggle to survive for a prolonged period of time. Although the love of more mature people may also be inspired largely by that same early physical attraction, their more generous natures make it much more likely that this essentially natural process will take place. When this happens, the relationship is transformed, as genuine concern for their partner's welfare gradually supersedes the early emphasis on personal pleasure.

Another element that often plays a major role in producing romantic love is emotional compatibility. In other words, the two people get on extremely well. They look forward to being in each other's company, they have lots to talk about and, most importantly, they have so much fun simply being together. Their love takes priority over everything else, with areas of possible disagreement often being entirely excluded from the relationship, since neither party wishes to upset the other. It is only when they are together that they feel this special way, more comfortable and more content than they are at any other time. The combination of physical attraction and emotional compatibility is clearly very powerful, revealing two of the principal elements in generating the feeling that we call love.

Another major element, which is clearly present in all good relationships, is respect for the other person. The existence of respect is actually fundamental to the feeling of being in love, a fact that is clearly illustrated by the universal belief that the loved person is totally beyond all comparison. Sadly, this doesn't guarantee that they will be treated with great respect, however, because the lover may be far too immature and selfish, traits that invariably produce possessive and controlling behaviour in a dominant partner. Although the feeling of respect is common to all those who fall in love, the actual form which it takes varies widely, depending on the particular values and ambitions of the person who falls in love.

Those who fall in love because they find the other person particularly attractive, or because they revel in their company, for example, obviously feel great respect for their partner's physical appearance or charming personality. There are many other people, however, who expect even more exceptional qualities in a lifelong partner, something that clearly places them high above all the others. They may require a certain level of status, power, wealth, success, achievement, talent, or at least good prospects in some of these areas, before they are sufficiently impressed to fall in love. Unless those attributes are quite overwhelming, they won't feel the sense of admiration that makes falling in love possible.

Others, perhaps less superficial in their needs, may only be sufficiently moved by special personal qualities. They may be deeply impressed, for example, by someone who seems to be particularly caring, or courageous, or committed in what they do. Perhaps unable to overcome their own shortcomings, and aware of their personal failure to develop these highly regarded traits in their own life, they then feel intense admiration for that person who appears to be so much more advanced than themselves. Deep down, it seems that they are trying to gain these missing qualities, not in reality, but by being loved by the person who appears to possess them.

Although the deepest love certainly includes genuine respect for your partner's unique set of personal qualities, the level of respect just described is not necessarily a good thing. Relationships should always be based on a rough equality of respect, not the one-sided respect that this situation seems to involve. Instead of idealising the other person, they would be much better off addressing their own personal weaknesses. Unless they do this, their deep sense of disappointment with themselves will continue to cause serious problems in all their close relationships. If only they could see clearly, they would realise that they must pursue those missing qualities in their own life, surely the best possible preparation for a truly satisfying future.

At this juncture it may be useful to summarise some of the main points which have been made so far, a task which can perhaps be adequately achieved in one single sentence. If you find someone physically attractive, you get on well with them, you respect them, and you have grounds to believe that a relationship with them is a realistic prospect, then you would seem to be a very strong candidate for falling in love. This conclusion could certainly be drawn from the analysis carried out in the early part of this essay. Even the presence of all these elements, however, does not guarantee that someone will fall in love. They may simply enjoy a little flirting, for example, but choose to go no further. How is this possible?

First of all, as was stated earlier, the feeling of being overwhelmed by a deep sense of hope is essential to the experience of falling in love. There are many people, however, who already feel a very strong sense of hope in their life, a fact which appears to explain why they are not so readily influenced. An obvious example is the person who is already involved in a loving relationship and, consequently, feels no great attraction towards anyone else. Then, there are those who feel a powerful sense of purpose in their life, being very much focused on pursuing their own chosen goals. Although they may still choose to take a partner, they are clearly much less likely to feel that this other person's love is indispensable to their happiness. The deeper the sense of hope you already have in your life, it seems, the less susceptible you are to falling in love.

In other words, you are at your most vulnerable when you are not sure where your life is heading and are aware that something important is missing. But, even then, we may choose not to consider the possibility of a relationship, understanding that this would only complicate our life further. This may be the case for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we have recently had a bad experience of love, suffering the kind of shock that makes us understandably reluctant to risk a repetition. Or, maybe we already have a partner or family, commitments that we still take very seriously, even though there may be serious problems in the relationship. Whatever the reasons are, we recognise that our present circumstances do not allow us to look in this particular direction for our happiness.

Any comments? I can be contacted at this email address: billynicol@aol.com How did I find that love? Well, you can have a look at these 2 websites: http://www.contact-info.net and http://www.tprf.org People from the UK can visit this website: http://www.wordsofpeace.net Good luck!