"My mother expects me to take care of her, even though I have a husband, children, and a job. But she's SO grateful when my brother calls once a month!" "When I ask my parents about their health they freak out and shut down!" "All I did was mentioned to my father that I'd like to help him with the finances and suddenly the conversation took a dark turn. Now he won't even speak to me!" "Taking care of the house is overwhelming my mother but she won't even talk about getting help or moving."

Sound familiar? Frustrating? If so, you're not alone. A lot of adult children want to help their parents or other aging loved ones but when they try to have a conversation, even though they're using the same words, for some reason the words don't seem to have the same meaning.

In fact, one client put it perfectly when he said: "You know that book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus? Well, men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus but sometimes I think my parents are from an alternate universe!"

They're not from an alternate universe, of course. They're "Vicky-D's" and they're from an opposite generation!

What is a Vicky-D? When referring to seniors collectively, a commonly used term is "Depression-Era Generation" because the Great Depression had a deep and profound impact on them. But as hard as it may be to imagine, seniors who are today in their early- to mid-80's, were actually born at the end of the Victorian Era. When the Great Depression hit, it didn't replace their Victorian attitudes, it only added to them - creating "Vicky-D's".

But it was their Victorian upbringing that shaped their core beliefs and attitudes - and with which family members are struggling the hardest today.

"Traditional" Female/Male Roles Defined Them The Victorian Era was a time of very strictly defined and very "traditional" female/male roles. The women were homemakers and mothers - the care providers. The family and home was their domain and their identity. The men were the breadwinners and professionals and earning and managing the money was their identity.

As a result, today Vicky-D women may be relieved to give up handling the finances, but most will resist having someone in their home to cook or clean, will fiercely resist moving, and will generally have a harder time settling in when they do move. Conversely, Vicky-D men may be less resistant to moving but most will strongly resist giving up handling the finances.

Traditional Roles Set Up Family Expectations Vicky-D's are very proud and may not ask for help or admit they need it. In a time of need, they simply expect their daughters (and daughters-in-law) to take of them. Problems arise not because daughters aren't willing to help (never mind the fact that they have their own family and jobs) but because they're rarely asked for their help and their efforts are seldom acknowledged. (It's what they're "supposed" to do.) But when there are "business" decisions to be made, Vicky-D's will turn to their sons.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell Vicky-D's were raised never to talk about personal things (especially money or health) with anyone, (not even professionals or their own children) and not to question authority (especially professionals like doctors). As a result, Vicky-D's may not provide "personal" information, won't ask questions, and may be embarrassed by their children who to talk openly and freely about very personal things and rarely hesitate to challenge authority. Ultimately, if it confuses, scares, or embarrasses them - they just won't do it!

Now that you understand some of the reasons why Vicky-D's are the way they are, Look for opportunities to have conversations with Vicky-D's. The more you practice, the easier it will be to anticipate and avoid words that have been "flash points" with the Vicky-D's in your life. Respect and accept their generational attitudes. You may have to change your own behavior to get them to change theirs but it will be worth it as you find yourself able to positively influence their decisions.