The Power of Not Knowing: Understanding Your Adversary
Most of the time, your eagerness to get your point across guarantees that you won’t. It seems the harder you push to be heard, the harder they push back.
How do you create a willing listener? It’s easy: be one. Being heard is exactly what the other person wants, too. So give what you would like to receive and see what happens.
In aikido, I physically align with my partner as he attacks. I move to face the same direction, unite with the attack energy, and redirect it toward mutual safety and resolution. We become partners in a flowing, cooperative dance.
In a difficult conversation when I want to get my point across, I create alignment through "Not-Knowing." I pretend I don’t know anything about this person or their goals (I actually don’t), and I try to learn what's important to them, what they’re really going for, and how what I’m offering might fit with their goals.
I enter the Land of Not-Knowing. When I remember how absolutely little I know about this other human being, I relax for a moment. I become interested. It’s quite a lovely place to be: undemanding, stress-free, a place of no expectations. I get to just sit there and be a learner, a child at play. Why do I need to pretend I know everything anyway?
How to do it? The easiest way to move from critic to curious is to ask a question you don't know the answer to. Get the person talking about something they love to talk about - even if it’s the opposite of what you want or believe. Watch their expression, listen to their voice, and notice how they change when they can talk without worrying about being stopped or judged.
To listen without judgment is an amazingly powerful skill, even more powerful when you don't agree with the speaker. Observe what happens when you find this power. Remember that listening does not equal agreement, and that you will have a chance to deliver your message, too, possibly with more success now that you've heard what's important to your partner.
good luck in all of your communication!
About the Author: Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, containing stories and practices on turning life's challenges into life teachers. Judy is a black belt in aikido and nationally known presenter, specializing in unique workshops on conflict, communication, and creating a more positive work environment. She is the founder of Power & Presence Training, and chief instructor of Portsmouth Aikido, Portsmouth, NH, USA. To sign up for more free tips and articles like these, visit http://www.JudyRinger.com.
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