We've all had them. It's the third day of the fight and you're still ignoring each other; the smart ass remarks are flying all over the place and they are not funny, just mean; you dread heading home; the dog/computer/tv is your new best friend. You aren't backing down because your really important issue is being ignored by your spouse or maybe your pride has been hurt so bad with this fight, that unless that spouse comes begging on their knees for your forgiveness this fight might as well go on forever (or something to that effect.) Well isn't there a better way? A way to end the fight, be all lovey-dovey again, and still make sure that the conflict actually gets resolved in the favor of both of you? There is and you are about to find out how to do it. I'll also throw in a way of keeping that fight from happening in the first place at the end.

The technique is known as "Seek to understand, before being understood." Honestly, if done properly, this is all you need to end this fight. It is a technique that Dr. Stephen Covey teaches in his best seller "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." What does it mean? You must learn to reflect feeling. Ok, what does that mean? Well it goes like this. You get home and your spouse is still pissed at you. You must first figure out a way to get that spouse into a one-to-one private sit down with you. Reflecting feeling will get the job done; when you see that spouse say something like "Babe, I can see that you are still very upset with me, perhaps we can try again at getting this argument resolved." The phrase "I can see that you are still very upset with me" is the "reflect feeling" part. You are verbally telling your spouse your perception of how your spouse feels. You will get one of two responses either a "Go $*%# yourself," which just means that your partner is not ready yet. Instead of getting upset with that, just say "ok" and reflect feeling again in an hour with "Honey, I can see that our fight is really bothering you, we really should work it out." If they are still pushing you away, just stay calm, reply "ok" and keep trying once an hour until they finally agree. Usually by the third or fourth time, they will agree.

Once you have your one-to-one, let them "flush their system." Let them rant about how horrible you are BUT don't get involved; imagine that you are a mediator and when they are yelling at you, they are in fact yelling at an imaginary doll or something. This will let you stay cool and get this situation resolved. Remember, you are not arguing with that partner yet, you are not trying to get your terms to end this fight yet, neither are you agreeing to your partner's terms, you are ONLY reflecting their feelings to defuse the fight. So you have her in your sit down, than say something like "I want to make sure that both of us understand each other, so I'd like to hear your concerns first, would that be okay?" This is usually enough to get them to get talking. Now just listen to the feeling their words are trying to describe. The partner says "You are doing this and that." Your response "Sounds like when I do that it makes you angry." The partner says "YES! My friends were there and they saw the whole thing!" You say "So when I do this it embarrasses you in front of your friends." They may say "Exactly! I have to see them every day at work and I don't want them…" You say "I can see that when I do that at a BBQ that still makes you embarrassed even days later." They will say "Yes! ……" Keep reflecting your partners feelings until they are done talking and in many cases they may think at this point that the fight is over. Yes, it is very awkward for you to just basically repeat yourself, but wow does it have amazing results. Notice however that not once did you agree with your spouse and not once did you settle for any terms.

When you are at this point, it is safe to start talking about how the behavior of your partner hurt you. You will be amazed at how receptive and willing your spouse is now to your words, and guess what? Now that your partner feels validated, they are more than interested and more than caring about how you feel and are very willing to negotiate an acceptable compromise for that situation.

I mentioned that I'd provide a way to keep that fight from happening in the first place, well that may be misleading, because we will still have disagreements and misunderstandings with our spouse, but when you apply the following technique your fights will last three minutes rather than 3 days. Grab your phone and add an alarm for a random time that you will most certainly see your spouse. I have mine set to 7:20pm. This is right after dinner, the dishes are done, and both of you are trying to relax, play with kids, etc. Have the alarm remind you to compliment your spouse EVERY day. When it goes off make sure you throw in a compliment like "you are the most amazing wife/husband in the whole world" or "You look amazing!" That's it. In three weeks try skipping a day…you will see how much your spouse is in need of your compliments. Oh and if they find out about what your alarm is all about, perhaps you can get them to set a similar alarm to compliment you. Do this for the rest of your life.

Does this sound too simple to work? Then you do not understand how important it is for a person to be validated. It is crucial! I dare you to use these techniques with your friends, co-workers even superiors. You will be in a better position than you can imagine. Using this technique, you can forever forget what it feels like to sleep on the couch.