My life is currently like an attempt on goal from Frank Lampard; it lacks any real direction. The wife tries to fill her void with a part time job in a psychiatric hospital; it's great that they can relate to someone on their own level.

There was a heated discussion at the wife's workplace on the relative merits of Steven Gerrard MBE and Frank Lampard BFG. Opinion was split right down the middle; the staff sided with Stevie, the patients plumped for Frank.

The great thing about a debate of this nature is the fact that there is no wrong answer; apart from ‘Lampard'. The argument has momentarily been settled by a freak injury, although that's a little bit harsh on Wayne Rooney. Nobody can argue against a punt on Chelsea at 1/3 to take care of Watford.

You don't become a bad player overnight; it took Robbie Savage almost two years. I'm taking the 9/2 for a Shevchenko opener.

Historical stats are like Helen Chamberlain, they're often reeled out but they serve no useful purpose. Middlesbrough have lost on their last four visits to West Ham, but I wouldn't put anyone off a draw at 23/10.

The last time the Gunners visited Anfield, the Arsenal kids ran amok so uncontrollably, the local council considered issuing ASBOs. The Gunners look a great investment at 23/10 to leave Liverpool victorious for a third time.

Julio Baptista has had his knockers this season, but he always turns it on against the Reds. I like big Baps; he can open the scoring at 8/1.

I was shocked to read that Sir Alex Ferguson fired a flurry of insulting expletives towards the jovial Geoff Shreeves. The roving reporter was considering suing for slander, but Fergie's ‘I thought it was Tim Lovejoy' defence is watertight. I'm convinced that the 1/3 for a United win over Blackburn is also rock solid.

Bolton will be without Ivan Campo for the visit of the Blades as a routine haircut has ran into major complications. Big Sam's men will mow down Sheffield United at 4/6.

I'm quite a spiritual being; in fact I have the ability to heal. I once roused a young lady from a drunken stupor merely by the laying of hands. She's now completely teetotal.

Alan Pardew has breathed new life into the previously moribund Charlton; Wigan are going down in the Valley at 6/5.

Chris Coleman deserves a pat on the back. It's easier to take something away from Tony Martin's cottage than it is from Fulham's. The Coleman's mustard, they'll see off Pompey at 5/4.

Spurs fans are still reeling from a disappointing result against the champions. Everyone knows you should throw the jab before considering a haymaker. I'm getting stuck into the 4/5 for a Tottenham win over Reading.

The ice on which Stuart Pearce's position sits is so thin; ecological organisations have pleaded with Frank Lampard to steer clear. Manchester City won't enjoy their trip to Newcastle, it's far too close to Scotland. City have lost at St James' Park on their last five visits, another Newcastle win at 21/20 will put the icing on Psycho's cake of sorrow.

My search for a more fulfilling existence has led me to consider embracing an alternative religion. I'll speak to Geoff Shreeves; Sir Alex mentioned something about a cult. I'm praying that the Villa beat Everton at 7/5.

This week's accer is so eye-opening, I've finally realised that the secret to happiness was right in front of me all along; I live across the road from an off-license. Charlton, Newcastle, Tottenham and Aston Villa are the selections, the 17/1 payout will cover the cost of a crate of enlightenment.