Joan Fonebone is a 48 year old, three times divorced, mother of seven who lives in a trailer home on the outskirts of a large city in mid-western USA. She shares her "lovenest" with her 28 year-old drug addict boyfriend, Trevor.

Joan drives a green and rust Datsun 120Y with three tyres down to the canvas and a "slightly" smoky exhaust. She is 63 pounds overweight, smokes two packs of "low tar" cigarettes per day and gets through two cartons of full strength beer and two bottles of Johnny Walker red label per week.

Now that you know Joan's "qualifications" here is her 10 point plan so that you, too, can lead a similar lifestyle to the one that she has forged for herself.

I asked Joan about a range of subjects including reading books, attending seminars, associating with influential people, budgeting and a number of other issues. In her own words, here are her candid answers:

Joan's lifestyle tip #1: "Books. I ain't never read a book since school. Come to think of it... I ain't never read 'em there either. They only mess with yer mind. Don't believe in 'em. Never have. Books are fer geeks and nerds."

Joan's lifestyle tip #2: "Seminars. Huh? Yer mean those meetin' things? Nah. Wouldn't be caught dead goin' to any of that crap."

Joan's lifestyle tip #3: "Hang around wealthy people? Those snotty nosed bastards? Not likely. They're all crooks an' cheats an' liars. Look at the houses they live in ... an' the cars they drive. No honest people have those things. They gotta be crooks, don't they?"

Joan's lifestyle tip #4: "Take advice? You gotta be joking! Advice? What could anybody tell me that I ain't already heard of?"

Joan's lifestyle tip #5: "Mentor. What's that? Oh, role-model. Gotcha. Nah. Wouldn't waste me time. Why would I wanna copy some other freak?"

Joan's lifestyle tip #6: "Take-aways. Seven days a week. Take-aways means no mess, no fuss, no cleanin' up. Ya don't need no knives an' forks an' plates an' things. Saves money. Tastes real good too."

Joan's lifestyle tip #7: "Smokin'? Nah... can't give up me smokes. Tried to cut down once but couldn't. Anyway, I only smoke two packs a day. That ain't that much!"

Joan's lifestyle tip #8: "Me kids? Yeah, well, they's all growed up now. They don't need me no more. Give 'em the best years of me life, I did. And fer what? Never see the little bastards any more. Me oldest, Calvin, he calls me a loser. Ungrateful little ****!"

Joan's lifestyle tip #9: "Trev? Oh, he's outer it mostly. Sleeps durin' the day. Does some odd jobs at night - only when it takes his fancy, mind you. He just makes enough for his next hit. Good ole Trev. He ain't never hurt no-one. Had a tough life. Poor little love."

Joan's lifestyle tip #10: "Me best bit of advice? Hmm. Let me think a minute... well I buy lotsa lottery tickets. One day a girl's gotta win. Yer gotta be in it to win it. That's what I always says. 'Course, yer could always pretend to slip over at the casino or tha local shoppin' center. Should be good fer some easy compensation money. Watch those damn kids come moochin' back then!"

Now that you know Joan's ten-point lifestyle plan you will be able to follow it and live life to the full just like she does.

Seriously, Joan Fonebone is just a figment of my rampant imagination. Sadly, there are plenty of people like her in this world. I actually meet people like this from time to time. They blame everyone and everything for their lot in life. Too bad they cannot see that they are the architects of their own lifestyles.