Just Do It and Ask for Forgiveness Later
"Just do it and ask for forgiveness later."
Heard that one lately? Used that one lately? We all have, and most of us have likely heard this used at work.
The first time I heard it, I was a little shocked. It sounded like something I would have used as a kid while trying to rationalize using Mom's Visa Card without her knowledge. Taken aback, I looked back at my manager to see if he was serious; he was. The walls of resistance softened, and I began to nod slowly. The stamp of authority seemed sufficient to justify doing something that I would not have ordinarily done.
Maybe I was raised with unusual values. My parents were adamant that I say "please" and "thank you". I didn't tell my parents where I was going or what I was doing; I had to ask. May I go to Suzi's house? Can I borrow your earrings? It wasn't considered good manners to take things that weren't yours without asking, and it wasn't okay to do things without checking in with other people first, especially authority figures.
The ironic thing is that those values segued nicely into the professional world. We don't go into someone's office and take a file from their desk when they aren't around. We wait until they show up and then we ask them for the file. We don't make big decisions without communicating with others first. We consult with our managers, discuss with our team members, loop in our clients.
But one day we started saying things like, "It's okay, we'll purchase it now and ask for forgiveness later when Finance realizes it went over budget".
I took a moment to deconstruct what was happening here. First, let's state the obvious. In these cases, the person knows that they are doing something wrong. They know they are going over budget. But, they don't care. They have an opportunity to approach Finance and have a conversation with them about getting the necessary approval. They don't do it because they know the request will be denied. So, they take the conniving, underhanded, manipulative route instead. When you catch yourself using the same strategy as your eight year old kid, you really ought to slap yourself on the hand and reconsider your approach.
Now, perhaps I'm overreacting and reading into this a bit too much, but here's a perspective on what this "approach" to life and business is really enabling:
• This seems to suggest that you can do whatever you want with total disregard toward others as long as you follow it up with an obviously insincere apology later
• It appears to be socially okay to disrespect others. According to this, you can borrow your roommate's things without asking and steal your coworkers food from the fridge at work. For the truly advanced, you can violate rules, go around the system, thumb your nose at the law and cheat on your spouse - as long as you can con them into accepting your apology if you get caught.
No wonder systems aren't effective! It's no surprise that people don't trust others. Doing it and asking for forgiveness later is becoming a norm, which is now accepted and even worse, tolerated. When we go over budget, Finance reworks the numbers and fits it in somehow (usually by taking away from another department).
And what is it that we are actually tolerating? At the root of this, aren't we are tolerating being blatantly disrespected? In some cases, the person knew they were doing something that you would not have approved of (forging your signature, having an affair), and yet they did it anyway. In other cases, they didn't know whether you would have approved of it or not (borrowing your snowboard, drinking the last of your milk). We don't consider that we may be inconveniencing that person for our own immediate benefit. "Who used up my milk? I needed it for a dessert I'm making tonight. I don't have time to run out to the store now."
Regardless, there seems to be an entitlement factor that is driving our actions and decisions. It's okay to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Others will figure out a way to sweep up after you. Others will work around you and figure out a way to deal with it. Others will make adjustments (at their own sacrifice) based on what you did. In other cases, you'll be able to talk your way out of it, buy your way out of it, or will simply accept the loss as a game that you didn't quite pull off.
Those "other" people are real people. They are part of our universe, and what we do affects them. I guarantee you will find yourself on the receiving end of a counterfeit apology and pleading eyes, and I hope you recognize it for what it truly is. Instead of accepting it, confront the person. Ask why they thought it was okay; if they don't have a legitimate answer, tell them that you found their actions to be disrespectful and unacceptable. Attach and enforce real consequences. Let them know that you aren't okay with the approach they took. If their behavior left you questioning their ethics, judgment or integrity, tell them that. Stand up for yourself. Respect yourself enough to demonstrate to others that you expect respect from them.
The entitlement factor is so great that we have cast aside manners where we treat others with courtesy and respect in favor of taking care of our own needs expeditiously. I fear that this may be the beginning of a cultural change where treating others with disrespect is socially acceptable, which can have truly disturbing consequences and impacts on our society.
I ask you to demonstrate integrity and build trust in others by rejecting this problem solving solution. We are not crafty children or wily teenagers, we are adults who have the knowledge, skills and savvy to render this tactic unnecessary in both our professional and personal lives. Set a new standard on respect for yourself and those you work with.
Related Tags: business, ethics, culture, society, manners, etiquette
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