Geese Enablers


by John Hartnett - Date: 2006-12-07 - Word Count: 827 Share This!

I was driving down a major avenue in my town the other day when I had to slam on the brakes to avoid running over a couple of Canadian geese. There were four geese and they were walking across the street like an avian version of the Beatles' Abbey Road cover.

My first reaction as I watched them waddle slowly past my car was to reflect on how cute they looked holding up traffic, oblivious to the world around them. I could see the lady in the car behind me - she was grinning from ear to ear. And the man who had stopped on the other side of the road was also smiling, making eye contact with me to let me know that we were witnessing something special. I grinned right back at him, equally captivated by this whimsical moment and then an instant later the pilot light must have reignited in my head because it suddenly occurred to me that Canadian geese fly.

Here were four mature, able bodied geese in the prime of life and when faced with a two thousand pound automobile bearing down on them at 35 miles per hour their God-given natural survival instincts trigger this reaction: Continue to walk slowly into the path of the speeding vehicle.

Nature's majestical beauty at the crossroads of industrialized society went right out the window, these geese were enjoying a laugh on us and I felt like a chump sitting there in my car while they took their own sweet time crossing the street.

I gave the horn a brief blast to see if that would remind them about their special gift of flight. No reaction except from one goose who actually flicked his wing under his chin at me as if I were a cop issuing a parking ticket and he was a foreign diplomat with immunity.

As the last member of the Brahmin goose class finally made its way to the other side of the road, I hit the gas and headed home unable to shake the notion that the modified behavior of these recalcitrant geese was directly related to what they had learned from us suburbanites.

Let's take a look at how this change in instinctual bird behavior must occur. We begin in Canada but not in the part where they speak French because I'm already over my head trying to pretend I know anything about science.

A flock of Canadian geese are living in the wild. Baby geese follow the parents everywhere. (Refer to "Make Way for Ducklings" pages 1-8 for a more detailed understanding.) One morning a Canadian wolf enters the area in search of lunch. The geese elders responsible for security begin to honk. The parent geese react quickly to the announcement of imminent danger by concealing the goslings that can't fly. Those mature geese who've decided to delay children for a bit to enjoy the company of their mates simply flap their wings and sail into the sky, free and clear of any dangers outside of the rare possibility of being sucked into the engines of a 747. There it is. Natural survival instincts the way God intended.

One day an internal alarm clock goes off in the brains of every goose in Canada. It's time to migrate south for the winter. After stopping by the Post Office to have their mail forwarded, they take to the skies in the form of a giant letter "V" which contrary to what the advertising people would love for you to believe is not an endorsement for Virgin Atlantic Airways.

Some of the geese land in New Jersey. I'll let you draw your own conclusions there. These are wild geese mind you and one morning, a lady is walking her Malamute (a dog that resembles a Canadian wolf) through the park. The geese in charge of security honk, the Malamute charges forward and the entire flock takes to the air. But one goose happens to notice that the Malamute's charge was short lived, as the poor thing is now lying on the ground gasping for air at the end of a leather leash. Whether it's mental telepathy, genetic recoding or newsletters, somehow this goose tells the other geese that a wolf on a leash is a wolf that can be ignored.

No predators, no need to fly any further. And then the two-legged creatures begin to show up on a regular basis and feed the geese. Do you know how this is interpreted? "The two-legged creatures think we're gods," one goose declares.

A skeptical goose says, "You're out of your mind, they don't think we're gods."

"I'm telling you they do," the goose reiterates.

"Prove it, wise guy", says the skeptical goose.

"Watch this," says the goose with the God complex and he strolls across the avenue to the tune of screeching brakes and gentle sighs…

We're nothing but a bunch of goose enablers. It's a good thing all the dinosaurs are dead. We'd probably be down by the tar pits right now feeding them geese.


Related Tags: birds, canadian, migration, geese, pests, suburban

John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards (www.earlybirdpublishing.com). He is also the author of Now What?, an online blog at www.johnhartnett.blogspot.com

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