As I was going through one of the toughest times of my life. I learned a great deal about the Lord, myself, and how to survive. My marriage began to fall apart. It seemed really sudden. We always had disagreements and arguments but they always seemed to get worked out. Then I had to travel out of town for a week. In that weeks time my life was turned upside down. When I returned everything was different. My wife was giving me the cold shoulder. Then she started staying out all night. I couldn't talk to her. If I tried it turned into an argument. When I tried to get help from the pastor of the church it only made things worst.

I was devastated, frightened, physically suffering from the effects of the situation. I prayed. I sought God's wisdom. I wanted my marriage to be the way it was. If you have never experience the end of a relationship that you thought would last until you died you have not experienced pain. I wondered why. I went through extreme anger and finally gave up my desire to be in the marriage.

I knew what I was supposed to do. Love, but I didn't know how. As I sought the answers from the scriptures I realized that Jesus was faced with the same dilemma. The bible says that he came to his own and they didn't recognize him. They rejected him. The more he told them of God's love and how God had sent into the world to save it, the more they hated him and wanted to kill him.

Finally the time came when they would kill him. Jesus, the king and creator of the Heavens and the Earth is being rejected by his own creation. They convicted him in a mock trial steeped in false accusations and false witnesses. He was beaten beyond recognition and then crucified. During the entire ordeal he maintained his love for men (for me). If he had not gone through this there would be no salvation for men. It wasn't as if they forced him. He didn't try to run or hide. He was there intentionally. He was there to die. He was driven by love. That love was for me. He did this knowing that millions, even billions throughout time would still reject him.

As the Lord showed me these things I was able to see that I wasn't the first to ever be rejected. I was not the first one to ever suffer because of people. I never faced death. If Jesus was able to face all these things for my sake then I was willing to face them also. I wanted to handle my circumstances the way Jesus handled his. He didn't hate or get angry. He didn't retaliate. The bible says he could have called 12 legions of angels to rescue him. He chose instead to endure the pain and suffering for a people who rejected him. That is love. And that is the kind of love I desire to have.

Watching how Jesus handled himself in such a difficult time and realizing how much love he must have for me made me want to love in the same way. I was angry at my wife. I was angry enough sometimes to want to do physical harm to her. Through the love of God that had been born in me I was able to let go of my anger. I prayed more. I prayed differently. I no longer pray that her love for me would return but, that my love for her would grow.

This and other revelations helped me get through that time. The marriage never came back together. It was my desire but it didn't happen that way. If you are reading this, pray for me. I now have to make it through this time. I live alone. I don't see my kids as often as I'd like. There are no court orders or restrictions. It is hard because of work and money. I am sad a lot. I may even be depressed. I still believe God. I trust Him. I am missing something though. I can't seem to get on track.