I often hear expectant mothers complain that the hostess of their baby shower is not doing things the way they would like. They ask whether they should confront their hostesses and ask them to do things the way they had envisioned them. This is an unfortunate situation, as mom-to-be should be looking forward to the event instead of worrying that it won't go according to her expectations. It is equally inappropriate for an expectant mom to try to plan the baby shower herself from behind the scenes. This puts the baby shower hostess in an incredibly awkward position. So here are a few guidelines to keep in mind if there is a baby shower in your near future.

If you are an expectant mom, remember that baby shower hostesses are not obligated to plan the party according to the wishes of the expectant mother! A baby shower is a gift that is being given, and as such, its recipient should not expect to dictate its specifications! Moms-to-be should accept the offer of a baby shower with gratitude - then sit back and let their hostess plan the party. In a nutshell, don't try to exert too much control over the planning of your shower! If she asks, give your shower hostess some general ideas of what colors you like, a game or two you might enjoy (or would prefer to skip - like the "Guess the Girth" game!) or a few hints on how you plan to decorate the nursery. All of these things will assist your hostess in planning the direction she wants to go in with the baby shower, but remember that it is ultimately her decision. She is the one who will be hunting for decorations, preparing food, doing the work, and paying the price. It is fine to say, "You know, I love pink and frilly," or "I was thinking of brown and teal for the baby's room." Both of these will give your hostess a window into your personality and tastes. It is not okay to say, "I want a Noah's Ark themed shower decorated with pairs of stuffed animals and I want the Noah's Ark cake on page 12 of the book at Bob's Local Bakery and I want balloon bouquets all around the room and I want a centerpiece with lilies, they're my favorite!" Give your shower hostess clues and ideas, but remember that she is throwing the shower, not you! Besides, half the fun of the shower is just showing up and enjoying being the guest of honor at a party that someone else took the time to throw for you! Lastly, remember that by far the worst saboteur of your dream shower is your own expectations!! If you have spent your pregnancy dreaming about an elaborate baby shower, you have probably already set yourself up for a disappointment. Let go of all those expectations, and just enjoy the party for whatever it turns out to be. As a wise man once said, "Keep your expectations low, and your gratitude high."

If you are a baby shower hostess, understand that the tastes of the mom-to-be may vary considerably from those of the hostess planning the party. Although throwing a baby shower is a kind gesture and should be received with appreciation regardless of the specifics, it is the extra thoughtful hostess who takes the time to familiarize herself with the tastes of the mom-to-be and throw a shower according to them, instead of her own. Ask your guest of honor for hints about the kind of shower she has in mind. Be general in the information you ask for, and remember that her suggestions are just that - suggestions. Use the information you gather from the mom-to-be as a guideline to get you pointed in the right direction, but stay within your means in terms of time and money. And check your stress level - if it feels like you are jumping through hoops to make your guest of honor happy, then you have veered off course!

Baby showers should be about celebrating a woman's passage into motherhood, the impending arrival of a new family member, and the changing dynamic of a young family - if both mom-to-be and shower hostess keep the focus on a loving celebration, things like theme, games, decorations, and food will seem less important to everyone!