I have a stereo receiver from Aiwa, the Japanese electronics manufacturer, and when I turn it off, the little LED window tells me "goodbye". The receiver is part of our home entertainment system --a term which could really apply to lots of things -- but now appears to be exclusively linked with consumer electronic products dedicated to enhancing our visual and auditory pleasures.

Eighty years ago, a home entertainment system could have applied to a pet monkey dressed up in a bellhop's outfit but today it's pretty much confined to music, movies and TV. It's too bad. I always got a good laugh seeing a monkey sporting one of those brimless red hats and a little blue jacket with gold buttons, but the odds of finding one of them next to the plasma screen televisions at Best Buy are slim to none. Believe me I checked, and after sitting through "Starsky and Hutch" three weeks ago, watching a fez wearing monkey fling all the condiments from my refrigerator around the kitchen sounds like entertainment Heaven.

But in lieu of a monkey, I have a home entertainment receiver that tells me goodbye when I shut it off. I find it intriguing that an appliance is programmed to speak to me completely out of the context of its intended purpose which is to amplify sound waves, tune-in radio stations and not blow up.

The receiver doesn't say "hello" when I turn it on. Nor does it occasionally ask, "Is everything OK?" during the middle of a movie, or "Did you read the book?" Just goodbye - that's it. And even though the receiver and I have been together for more than three years, it has never once opted for a "Bye-Bye now." or "Have a good one."

At first I was upset - I mean what does it take to get an electronic device to let its hair down -- but then I realized that it could just be an aspect of the Japanese culture, which as you know is very formal. I can respect that. I'm not one who wants to see the whole world Americanized and saturated with the type of slang expressions that drive William Safire bonkers, I mean crazy. Goodbye is plenty good for me --especially when you take my VCR into consideration.

It's also an Aiwa -- an FX 8000 but it doesn't speak to me at all. I purchased it at the same time as the receiver and I find it odd that one Aiwa component is apparently willing to establish a deeper relationship with me while another machine seems content to keep things on a more professional basis.

They're physically connected to each other via cables, exchanging signals, working in close quarters. One admittedly formal but personable, the other closed lipped, content to be a loner. It's like that movie with the two convicts chained together, "The Defiant Ones."

Remember that film with Sydney Potier and Tony Curtis? A classic. They'll probably remake it with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. Two words of advice. Save your money.

Anyway, with my Aiwa VCR, when I turn it off, nothing. No thank you or good bye. I even checked the manual to make sure everything was connected properly. It was. What can you do? To some appliances, it's nothing more than a job. To my Aiwa FX 8000, I'm just another faceless, nameless schnook without the common sense to go out and get some exercise.

And then sometimes I think: What if it's me? Maybe I'm being too hard on my VCR, maybe it's just shy. Maybe I should try to get a little closer, use one of those VHS rewinding machines to give it a rest from time to time, let it know I care.

I looked into counseling for the VCR and me, but whenever I asked a potential therapist how far away the electrical outlets were from where they'd be sitting, they all said the same thing: they weren't taking on any new patients.

Lately, my relationship with the entertainment system has worsened. The tension in the family room has become palpable, I'm no longer certain that my receiver is being sincere when it tells me goodbye and I'm convinced the VCR is eating my daughter's Wiggles tapes on purpose.

I'm thinking seriously about putting the whole entertainment system up for sale on Ebay and looking for an electronics company based in Vermont. They don't speak unless spoken to up there and when it comes to a home entertainment system, that's exactly what I'm looking for.

Or maybe I'll just see what Ebay's got in the way of monkeys.

Goodbye!