Part 5 - Most People Don't Love Themselves

Since we have already considered those people who seem to enjoy all the advantages of life, let's now examine the other extreme. As before, we can take the imaginary example of another young boy, unfortunately born into very different circumstances. His father was often drunk and frequently violent. From a very early age the child heard the rows and witnessed the violence. He was used to being shouted at, shaken, threatened and hit. Much of the time he was simply ignored, left to play by himself. He hated his father. He went to school and hated that as well. He couldn't concentrate, he couldn't stay still, and he was always getting into trouble. The teachers didn't like him, and neither did the other kids. He kept getting into fights. He wasn't very good at anything, especially reading. There were never any books in his house. It was hard to say which was worse, school or home.

As he grew older, he found some friends, kids just like himself. They would stay off school, fight with other boys, damage property and steal from the shops. Sometimes they would catch and kill cats and birds. That was fun. When he was sent home from school, or taken home by the cops, he would usually get beaten by his dad. He hated his life. He only had one ambition, to be big enough to kill his old man. He would happily do time for that.

Sadly, this is pretty much the life-story of many children. They are neglected, rejected and sometimes abused in the home. They then arrive at school poorly prepared, extremely anxious and unable to concentrate. Their anxiety is the main reason for their difficult behaviour, producing a steady flow of misdeeds, and resulting in constant criticism from teachers. They also have poor social skills, making it hard for them to get on with other children. Consequently, the rejection and failure that they suffer in the home is usually reinforced in the school.

These children don't really understand why they behave so badly, or why they have all these hostile feelings towards others, especially their parents. They are confused by their own unpredictable behaviour and wild emotions, usually accepting the widely held view that there must be something seriously wrong with them. Their only refuge is the peer group, a bunch of other children who have suffered in a much similar way. Here, they are treated with some respect, perhaps even gaining admiration for their great courage, as they strike back at the world that has made their life so miserable. They feel guilty about some of their misdeeds, but try not to think about it.

Such people can clearly develop severe inner conflicts. They repress unpleasant feelings on a quite massive scale, too frightened to look at their many fears and weaknesses. Unable to express their understandable anger, it remains outside their control, frequently finding expression in attacks against innocent victims. They know that they treat people horribly, but don't really understand why. How can they possibly free themselves from the hatred that so dominates their daily existence without addressing the principal cause, the hatred that they secretly harbour for themselves and their life?

A willingness to consider the possible explanations for the kind of strange and unpleasant behaviour described above is essential for the person wishing to move in the direction of true love. The ability to reflect calmly on the reasons for such conduct, avoiding the heated anger and vengeful hatred which affects so many, is an achievement which will bring great benefits for them. They will become more able to examine their own behaviour in the same light, allowing them to acknowledge feelings and conduct which may otherwise be repressed. By learning to forgive others, they learn to forgive themselves, a development that may have a quite dramatic impact on the way they live their own life.

It should be noted, however, that learning to forgive others does not necessarily mean that you must like them or pursue their company. If you are an employer, for example, you may still choose to dismiss someone whose conduct is unacceptable. If you see someone commit a crime, you may still report him to the police and volunteer your services as a witness against them. While recognising that everyone has a point of view that is valid in the light of their life experience, you retain the right to act as you think fit. Being able to forgive simply means that you choose understanding, a choice that will allow any anger or ill will to subside.

Having considered the two extremes, those that have been lucky enough to avoid inner conflicts and those who have developed severe inner conflicts, let's now examine those who remain. There are two main groups which must be considered, involving a huge number of people, being held back by a great variety of inner conflicts, ranging from relatively mild to very serious. The first group includes those people who seem to be very confident on the surface, but whose confidence is more apparent than real. The second group comprises the many others who suffer more obviously from low self-esteem, an affliction that, unfortunately, affects so many of us.

Many people who seem very confident, perhaps even believing that they feel good about themselves, have an assurance that is based only on superficialities. It may be built around their attractive appearance, their physical strength, their talents, their success, their achievements, their wealth, their possessions, and so on. Typically, they are very competitive, very ambitious, very demanding of themselves and others. Their various achievements never satisfy them for long, however, because they have a much deeper need that can't be addressed in this way. Their efforts may be seen as an attempt to prove that they are worthy of the love they were often denied as children, or even as adults, but this wish is seriously undermined by their own awareness of their ungenerous attitude towards others.

Those who clearly lack confidence, on the other hand, recognising that they really don't feel too good about themselves, tend to employ a wide variety of very different strategies. Some avoid social situations as much as they possibly can, trying to escape the anxiety that they know such situations bring. Others accept whatever treatment is meted out to them, too frightened to risk the unpleasantness of any confrontation. Burdened by their vulnerability to criticism and their great personal need to be liked, many more make far too great an effort to please others. Kind and gentle one minute, angry and unreasonable the next, their sense of dissatisfaction will undoubtedly persist until they finally address their own inner conflicts.

Any comments? I can be contacted at this email address: billynicol@aol.com How did I find that love? Well, you can have a look at these 2 websites: http://www.contact-info.net and http://www.tprf.org People from the UK can visit this website: http://www.wordsofpeace.net Good luck!