Py: Why do you describe yourself as "Queen of Rejection"?

Elayne:Ever since I was a young pup, if someone looked at me funny, or got an "edge" to their voice, I'd take it personally. I'd get my feelings hurt and usually burst into tears. Even now, all these years later, if I find myself smarting from a comment or tone of voice, it reminds me of those early feelings of rejection.

So, I began to call myself 'The Queen of Rejection. It lets me infuse a little humor and laugh a bit at myself. Hurt feelings can throw me off kilter. Humor goes a long way toward re-balancing things.

I'm also a professional speaker and relationship coach, so I'm surrounded by rejection day after day. Might as well have a little fun with it.

Py: What are you working on now?

Elyane: I just published the first issue of my e-newsletter: TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION. The second one will be coming out any day now.

In the first e-letter, I described how Fear and Ambivalence paralyzed me for months, holding me back.

Part of me really wanted to share my ideas and another part was scared to death. I described how Fear of rejection was the leader of the 'Fear Team,' which includes Fear of Failure, Fear of Success, Fear of Visibility and Fear of Disappointment. I brought in some humor here, too, because it provided some distance from the struggle I was going through as I wrote the newsletter.

I've been receiving some amazing emails from folks who read my description of my struggles and then proceeded to start or finish their own projects.

I'm also working on some projects that will probably turn into books.

Py: Tell me about your books, "DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION"
and "BREATHING ROOM-CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE"

Elayne:My books are published in 9 languages.

My first book, DON'T' TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, offers stories about how we take things personally because we're feeling rejected in some way. It describes how our work and personal relationships are affected by hundreds of forms of rejection. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! provides steps on how to overcome feelings of rejection.

BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE uses stories to describe how hurt feelings and misunderstandings lead to anger and resentment. This resentment takes up so much space in relationships there's no room left for connection and intimacy. Some of the situations described in BREATHING ROOM are: dating and sexual rejection, how unrealistic expectations lead to disappointments which feel like rejection, and the importance of respecting our partner's style differences and their needs for personal space.

Py: Top five tips on how to deal with rejection?

Elayne:
1-First of all, recognize that rejection is often connected to taking things personally. When you're feeling rejected in some way, you may personalize the message you think you're hearing from the other person. For example, if you make a request of someone, and they respond: "I don't have time," you might translate it to mean, "I don't have time FOR YOU."

2-This leads us to #2. Don't Presume. Check things out with the other person. For example, you can say, " This is what I heard you say. Is it what you said? Is it what you meant?"

3- Remind yourself that a comment often reflects more about the other person than it does about you. Are they dealing with their own issue or insecurity by attributing it to you?

4- Create some distance from the situation; I call it: 'walking along side yourself.' Notice and observe. This gives you some objectivity and gets the flow going if you start to shut down. It opens up space for choices.

5- This brings us to #5. Keep reminding yourself that you DO have choices over how you respond. When you feel flooded by emotion it can feel like you have no options. Try to remember to say to yourself: "I do have options here, what might they be?"

AND try using some humor - reject rejection for a change!
© Elayne Savage

Py: What about rejection in the bedroom?

Elayne: This is the place feelings of rejection seem gigantic. It's all too easy to take it personally in the bedroom – a promise of lovemaking that isn't kept, a refusal of sexual attention, or performance challenges. Each of these sexual disappointments feels like a rejection.

Couples often lie side by side in the darkness, each immersed in their own disappointment. They retreat to some private hurting place. Neither can talk about how they feel. The silence between them becomes a great wall. Talking about it in a loving, caring way can make all the difference in the world.

As a couple's counselor, I know how difficult it is for most couples to talk about these feelings of disappointment. I'm glad for the opportunity to be of help with this important conversation.

Py: How to contact you and where to find your books/service?

Elayne: My website is www.QueenofRejection.com
You can email me at Elayne@QueenofRejection.com
You can opt-in to my newsletter, 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' by visiting my website.

My books are available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble, as well as New Harbinger Publications and iUniverse.