Beat the Machine


by Dane Fletcher - Date: 2007-01-17 - Word Count: 710 Share This!

If you're like me, you've probably developed a routine over years of trial and error. Fits of starting and stopping that are determined, in large part, by motivational factors that seldom enter the picture when it comes to forcing that extra rep at the end of a grueling workout. I'm sure we've all had those moments in the weight room, the sounds of strained cursing and the clanging of an overloaded bar on the floor. These mistakes are understandable, in fact, necessary. Like Dirty Harry said, "A man's got to know his limitations."

But I'm talking about an error of a different animal. The kind that no one really notices, but remains, collecting dust, like that sweater grandma made for your 13th birthday. I'm talking about the home workout machine. The one you bought after staying up watching late night TV, eating ice cream, when some infomercial came on, and convinced you that it was the one thing you never knew you couldn't live without.

These unwieldy contraptions are made to suit the needs of the busy person who doesn't have the time to go to the gym, but wants a gym-quality workout. Designed to offer the best of both worlds, they offer affordability, high-quality design, and easy storage when not in use. But my story is a bit different.

In the commercials, they look great. Some athletic model is shown pumping away, beaming with endorphin-induced euphoria, somewhere in a warehouse-sized gym. This should've been my first warning. Because if there's nothing else that experience has taught me, there's this: Never trust anybody who smiles while they're working out. It's just not natural.

Another thing about these commercials is how they show someone placing the machine efficiently into a closet. An empty closet. How many people have warehouses for home gyms, or an empty closet nearby? If you do, I'm sure you'll reap years of enjoyment from your machine. Congratulations. I'm still trying to figure out a way to not hit my elbow on the coffee table while doing bench presses.

Not that these machines don't have their uses. I've been hanging my laundry on my stationary bike for years. And nothing says "High-Tech Business Professional" quite like a stainless steel rowing machine stuffed in a corner beside the computer in the office. A friend of mine still uses his weight bench as an impromptu ironing board, a development from his college years.

For years, I have lived with these mistakes in judgment, purchased on a whim, used for about a week, then ignored in a corner for months. I usually just forget that they're even there. Recently, I decided it was time for action. Was I just going to spend money on something, then not use it? I always find a way to get my money's worth. I was going to get a gym-quality workout from the use of these things. I was certainly not going to admit that I'd been suckered into buying something that was little more than a glorified clothes-rack.

I started with the lat machine. I picked it up. A good 80lb dead lift. I hoisted it over my head, and nearly spilled myself on the floor. It's alright though, remember the thing about limitations. I put it back down. That was pretty good. Okay, second rep, here we go. I took a different grip on it, brought it over my head... and hurled it to the ground. It didn't break, but the crash was very satisfying. I repeated this until the bolts began to pop. Then I developed a technique I call the "Ape drop" that targets the deltoids and pecs. This involves full extension of the arms, picking the machine up and smashing it on the ground in one fluid motion with a load roar. Roaring is very important. Pieces began to fly off at about the eighth rep. I continued until I was exhausted. The machine was in shambles.

I realized I'd hardly even touched my lats with the lat machine, so I made sure to target those areas with the exercise bike. I got an axe, and went to work on the thing. I stopped when sparks flew from the axe biting into the concrete floor. Then I had a shower and a protein shake. And watched some TV.


Related Tags: body building, creatine, steroids, steroid, anabolic steroid, clenbuterol, testosterone cypionate

About the Author: Dane Fletcher is the world's foremost training authority. He writes exclusively for GetAnabolics.com, a leading online provider of creatine and steroid solutions. For more information, please visit http://www.GetAnabolics.com.

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