What exactly is a best friend? Well, to start with it's someone with whom you go everywhere and share your deepest, darkest secrets. Best friends also pop up unannounced, embarrass you in social situations and let you down when you need them most. Yet you stick with them through thick and thin.

I could probably be talking about any one of your best friends, right? But look again and you'll see I've just described a penis. Is a dog really a man's best friend? No. The thing that comes first in a man's life is his penis. And what is there to tell you about our dear little friends? (Um, did I just say little? What I meant was ... oh, forget it.)

We Name Them

Bill Clinton calls his 'Li'l Elvis'. I think George Dubbya Bush just calls his 'Li'l'. I haven't given my penis a name but have met many a man who has, and have heard many even talk of their penis in the third person. 'Ooh... You should have seen Oscar go' or, 'I wanted to go right home but Barney had other plans'.

I have to confess I find this just a little unsettling. I believe it to be a mechanism where men can fool themselves into thinking that what transpired the night before was not their fault at all - their penis was in control. This, of course, doesn't work with women, and I don't think I'll ever see the day when a woman tells me, 'Hey, I was just saying good night... it was li'l Suzie who invited him in'.

We Wonder about other People's

Male genitalia are as mysterious to men as they are to women. While we have an intimate knowledge of our own equipment, masculinity prevents many of us from learning the particulars of others. So we go through life wondering whether it's a big one, whether that does happen to all men and whether our testicles are indeed 'sooo cute'. Although a man will happily take compliments from you regarding his genitalia, he will never really believe you. He knows full well that if you answered honestly to his question, 'Is it the biggest you've ever had?' your relationship as you know it may be in tatters within a few minutes.

We Play with Them

We do this because we can. And trust me, it's not just us guys at Puppetry Of The Penis - we've just mastered it and turned it into a show (See 'Clever dicks'.) Your fathers, husbands, boyfriends and brothers also practice the ancient art of genital origami. There is not a man in the world who at some point hasn't stood in front of a mirror and thought to himself: 'Hang on. What would this look like?' We've all tucked it away and done 'the woman', we've all rolled it around the wrist for a 'cockwatch'. You've seen us as children do it in the bath, and some of us did stop but most of us just stopped doing it while you were around.

We Communicate with Them

This behavior has been around since the beginning of time. In fact, before there was language, primitive man more than likely communicated - perhaps showing what predators were in the area or what types of fruit could be found - using nothing but grunts and tugging on his genitalia. (Sound like a Saturday night?)

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