The Ten Commandments for Attending Church
As shocking as it may seem, the biggest obstacle standing between God and my wife and I are our children. They view mandatory church attendance the same way an accountant views the tax code - there has to be a loophole somewhere.
Growing weary of their jailhouse arguments every Sunday, I introduced a behavior modification program built upon ten simple rules that came to me during a vision in which God said, "Write this down and then get thee to Kinkos." We call it the Ten Commandments for Getting Through Church in One Piece. Here it is in its entirety.
I. Thou shalt not feign death when awakened for church.
II. Watching the 700 Club does not "count".
III. God does not take the summer off and neither shall thou.
IV. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls for it tolls for thee if thou makest us late.
V. Thou shalt sit in one geographical area without constantly switching with thine brother or sister.
VI. Woe is the child who standeth on the kneeler when thy parent attempts to lift it up.
VII. Thou shalt suffer in silence when not chosen to place the envelope in the offertory basket.
VIII. Thou shalt not crush into powder the Cheerios spilt upon the floor by thine little brother or sister.
IX. Thou shalt not exclaim loudly, "I can't understand a word he's saying," during a priest's homily.
X. Thou will receive thy final reward in the form of Boston crème donuts if thou abideth by these commandments.
My wife and I read the commandments out loud to our children this past week and waited for a reaction that never came. They said they didn't want to comment until they had a chance to go over everything with their lawyer.
Related Tags: children, family, spirituality, religion, god, church
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards (www.earlybirdpublishing.com). He is also the author of Now What?, an online blog at www.johnhartnett.blogspot.com
Your Article Search Directory : Find in ArticlesRecent articles in this category:
- Humor Articles - What Me A Redneck?
Every few years I get to wondering why making fun of Southerners is such an enduring and successful - Newsflash - Volcano Causes Cow Flatulence-Part 1
A source tells me that the Icelandic volcano eruption that has been spewing ash and inconvenience al - How To Buy And Receive Doctor's Excuse Notes
Getting doctor's excuse notes for your needs is very easy to do. You can get notes to work for you i - Editing Fake Doctor Slips Can Be Easy To Do
Not just any type of fake doctors note will do when it comes to getting something submitted to someo - Common Reasons Why A Fake Doctors Note Could Be Used
Sometimes life can be too difficult for anyone to handle. After all, there is only so much time in o - Current Affairs Articles - 2012 World End - Skeptic Has a Change Of Heart
It sounds like something out of a Hollywood movie: On a certain day in a certain year at a certain t - Dr. Facilier From the Princess and the Frog Answers: How Spells Are Made
Yet another day, I drift off again thinking about the movie that I have fallen in love with - Disney - Fitness Articles - Beauty salon Weston
Moda Hair Design and Spa located in Davie, FL, USA - Salon and Spa, specialize in Hair Color, Highli - Family & Parenting Articles - Several Funny Ways To Save Money
The following funny ways to save money are meant to be just that: funny. They are collected from blo - Twelve Days of Trying to Christmas Shop
On the first try at Christmas shopping, my true love said to me, "Let's go shopping at the mall."On
Most viewed articles in this category:
- In Your Office, How Many Bosses are Too Many?
So, once I was asked to design stationary for a company that had the misfortune of hiring a smart as - The Hidden Diary of Bin Laden and God
Bin Laden died, and God stood in front of him, he said,"Allah, the most High," and Bin said, "Sir, i - Do Dead People Really Talk?
I was talking to my dear Mother the other day and she was telling me how grand the famed psychic, co - Trivia Questions And Answers From A Trivia Break
Questions: 1. What is the primary language of most residents of Montreal? A. English B. French C. C - Google Salutes Chick-fil-A Cows
The Search Engine Giant, known for decorating its Google moniker with appropriately festive gear on - Black Friday
Another Thanksgiving meal devoured and here I sit with a back that is thrown out. I would love to b - Everything I Know I Learned From Magazines
Hello friends. Do you ever wonder why there is never enough time or money to do the things you know - U. S. May Become Nonaligned Nation; Cites Worldwide Ingratitude
In case you haven't heard, there is a brash new movement afoot to make America a nonaligned nation. - Extensive New Study Fits Americans Like A Tee
Remember when your mother always reminded you to put on a clean pair of underwear just in case?Resea - 15 Exciting and Crazy Things To Do After You Quit Smoking
Are you a smoker who spends at least $ 3.50 for a pack every day or $1,277.50 a year?
