There's a big difference between a casual love affair and a relationship where both are hoping to be together in the long term. Life partnerships are much more committed, serious involvements that touch upon all aspects of our lives. We share much more than just the occasional night together; usually we share a home, our big decisions, money and friends; we share our hopes and fears and we offer care and support for each other and our children. It is often the foundation upon which we build the whole of our lives. And yet, are we really sure that both parties want the same thing?

Previously the stereotypical man would want someone to do his washing and to accommodate his sexual needs, the woman focusing more on her need for emotional responsiveness and fatherly support. There may well be a lot of this still underlying the interaction between partners, yet times have changed and now other ways have been found that our grandparents would have found truly bizarre. A love relationship is now seen as a very special form of life experience, which is challenging and requires us to learn skills to cope well with the issues that arise. This can so often be difficult and confusing, so it's helpful to have some kind of guidelines to navigate through the stormy waters.

One model that works well is based on the idea that there are seven distinct aspects of relationship, and all of them are important to get right; none are avoidable! Some of us are strong with one and weaker with another-you may recognize yourself-and each of the lessons relates to a very simple word. The words are: No Hello Thanks Goodbye Please Sorry and Yes. Here's a quick run-down of the basics:

No is first and foremost. Unless we draw the line somewhere we constantly feel in danger of being invaded. We have to tell our partner what is absolutely out of bounds, to draw the boundaries clearly and enforce them consistently.

Hello is to do with being open to consider new ways of living, having a healthy curiosity, trying something that may have seemed scary or boring before, looking for something of interest in every aspect of our partner's life and friends.

Thank You must surely be said often if we want our partner to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. Little tokens of love can be given-flowers, sweets, words and touch-because it softens the hearts to do so.

Goodbye moments are the watersheds in life-and either we take them together or we separate. Life is always about moving on and we often have to make important decisions, always there are some very big and challenges in every long term relationship-so perhaps we can learn to see them as examinations that test our level of commitment, tests that make us ask ourselves about whether to move together or to move apart.

Please Relationship is essentially about cooperation-a sharing of visions and intentions. Actually we all need help to fulfil our life goals, whether this is 'making a million' or creating a joyful home, so it is crucial to learn how to win cooperation. This is achieved to a significant extent by blending visions together.

Sorry. So much could be softened in life if only we could all learn to say Sorry more convincingly! It is inevitable that we will hurt each other because we're all sometimes insensitive-and yet this doesn't have to lead to resentment and the resultant bitterness. That can be easily avoided with a sincere timely apology. Saying Sorry is not admitting guilt or worthlessness; it's just to do with acknowledging a degree of insensitivity.

Finally, Yes. It's true that we have every right to expect to get what want out of life-and yet it's truer to even to say that it won't always happen. Being able and willing to accept whatever comes is a secret that can lead to a much greater sense of relaxation, and this enables us to adopt a more tolerant attitude with our loved ones.

So. Look at the particular areas of your partnership where you experience difficulty with one of these words, and give it some careful thought-ask yourself what? how? when? where? who? and why? It is worth the effort because it's so very important. Remember too that it is probably a lot easier to change things in yourself than another-and anyway as soon as you change yourself in a real way, then it's almost certain that your partner will too. You can begin to see your relationship as a series of life lessons that show you how to progress in life and in love from No to Yes; from rejection to acceptance; from the tight pessimism of contraction to the unlimited optimism of expansion. It's better that way!

© James Burgess 2007