Secret affairs can ruin a marriage, but more often than not, they are not a relationship killer. In fact, 82% of marriages affected by an affair actually have happier couples after the affair. The reason is that the affair reveals that something is wrong in the relationship, and most couples want to correct the problems.

While recovering from a secret affair isn't easy, you can live a happy life with your spouse after the trauma. Among the many things that people need to work on after finding out about a secret affair is how to have sex after infidelity.

This question comes up often from a lot of people. They are trying to work things out, but they just don't feel right having sex after infidelity. There is a lot of work that needs to go into solving this huge problem, but with the right tools, you can have sex after revealing an affair.

Not being able to resolve this issue can be a relationship killer. Both spouses have to understand the severity and sensitivity of the issue, and know that it may be a long time before you are able to be intimate with your partner again.

Often times the victim in the affair feels as though the reason for the affair is that their spouse was no longer sexually attractive to them any longer. This isn't always the case. In fact, M. Gary Neuman's study shows that most men who cheat, in fact cheat with someone they believe to be less attractive than their wife.

Another reason that make this difficult is when the victimized spouse feels that it is lack of performance that caused the affair. It is rare when an affair is caused by lack of performance, but in certain circumstnaces it can be the case.

In the quest for sexual excitement, many people turn to sex books for help. While some books can be good and truly add some excitement, they all focus on the wrong thing. They tell you to change the way you have sex. The true pleasure of sex comes when we are in love with a person, and they are in love with us. With that, you will find total sexual satisfaction. You allow your emotions to take over, and you don't focus on the physical aspects of sex.

If you have a spouse who loves you, and you combine that love with sex, you will enjoy what many believe to be the ultimate intimate experience; sexual love. This can only be experienced in relationships where the lovers are good friends, know each other's thoughts, and want to be around each other. Work on being good friends, building trust, and constantly falling in love with your partner and you will experience sexual joy like no other.

One of the hardest things about having sex after an affair is that the victimized spouse is constantly thinking about the cheating spouse and the paramour (illicit lover). They want to know that your attention is on them, not the paramour. You have to be able to communicate to your partner the way you feel, and be able to accept those feelings. There is going to be a strong presence, that while not there in a physical nature, does exist and carries over to the both of you. That presence is the paramour.

An affair will bring about many insecurities, one of them being sexual insecurity. When one or both spouses are sexually insecure, it removes spontaneity from the act, and thus becomes a planned and monotonous, and will lead to boredom and lack of production. When you are finally able to establish intimacy with your partner, there is immense pressure to make up for those insecurities. That is when sex becomes what it never should be, a performance.

When these problems occur, you have to let your partner know that you are constantly comparing yourself to the paramour, and that it is getting in the way of the openness and trust between the two of you. By keeping this communication open, you are able to replace negative feelings with positive one's, making for a more enjoyable, trusting, and love-able sexual relationship.

It's also critical not to impose sexual expectations on your partner. It is important to communicate, but to "expect" an orgasm, for instance, is unfair. Dr. Ronnie Edell calls an orgasm "the equivalent of an applause". It makes the experience feel like a performance, and is sure to lessen sexual pleasure.

An orgasm should never be about, "How did I do?", or "Now I'm satisfied". Sex should never be about the orgasm. The orgasm is simply a byproduct of sex. The essence of sex is 'mutual pleasure'. That is the goal you should be trying to achieve, and focusing on an orgasm, or anything else for that matter, will deprive both of you of the mutual pleasure you should be experiencing.

The essence of sex after infidelity is to re-create the trust you once had, and learn to be more open about your feelings. It is wrong to impose sexual expectations on yourself or your partner. Focus on sex being a free, trusting, emotional experience and you will be having passionate sex with your partner again.