Divorce Recovery & the Myth of Time - Time Alone Does NOT Guarantee a Smooth Recovery from Divorce
- Date: 2007-09-02 - Word Count: 599
Share This!
After divorce, we often hear people tell us, "Time heals all wounds," or "Just give it some time," or "You'll feel better in the morning?" Used like this, time is seen as some type of healing source. But is it, really? Will the passage of time really "heal all our wounds?" Will it actually bring happiness to our life after divorce? Or is there more to it than that?
1. An Example of How Time Alone Does Not Heal the Pain of Divorce
Faye, my sister-in-law, was a teacher and school administrator. When I met her, she had already been divorced for five years. She had gotten the house, the kids, the car - and the humiliation of having her ex, also a school administrator in the same school system, leave her for one of Faye's teaching colleagues. For the next fifteen years, Faye only mentioned her ex and his wife in derogatory or cynical terms. She threw herself into her work. She tried to begin new relationships - all to no avail. She died an early death from cancer without ever getting past the personal hurt and public mortification the divorce caused.
2. Another Example of How Time Alone Does Not Heal the Pain of Divorce
The daughter of a divorced man, Robert, approached me to help her dad recover from his divorce. He and his wife argued over renting out the basement in their house. He opposed renting it. She rented it anyway to a single mother with an infant. One day the renter's ex came to the house and murdered his former wife and child. Robert could not take it and divorced her. He took the divorce hard. He isolated himself from his friends and family and started drinking heavily. How long he had been divorced? 13 years!
3. Time Alone Will Not Heal the Pain of Your Divorce
If time is supposed to heal all wounds, shouldn't 13 to 20 years surely be enough! They weren't. Time alone heals nothing. Andy Warhol, of all people, got it right when he observed, "They say that time changes things, but actually you have to change them yourself." It is not time per sé that facilitates recovery from divorce, but what we do with that time, as Laura's story below illustrates.
4. A Success Story - How Time Can Be Used to Make Divorce Recovery Successful
Laura had been divorced four years. The pain was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. She was so distressed she literally could not even say the name of her ex out loud. She had been told, "Give it some time and the pain will subside." She did, but it didn't. She was at her wit's end. She said, "I'll do anything" to get rid of the pain. For five weeks she worked with me on the tasks of making a smooth divorce recovery - dealing with her reactions, finding her personal resources, removing her barriers to change, etc. Afterwards, she not only was able to talk about her ex, but even was able to meet with her twice to recover some of her belongings she had been unable to retrieve. She used the time to make the change herself. She was on her way to a successful life after divorce.
5. What's the Point?
Time by itself heals nothing. Spending our time looking for what can be done that we can personally control is far more productive than sitting in the shadows waiting for time to "make things right." Our job is to use our time to deal with the emotion-based as well as the rational demands of making a smooth recovery from divorce.
1. An Example of How Time Alone Does Not Heal the Pain of Divorce
Faye, my sister-in-law, was a teacher and school administrator. When I met her, she had already been divorced for five years. She had gotten the house, the kids, the car - and the humiliation of having her ex, also a school administrator in the same school system, leave her for one of Faye's teaching colleagues. For the next fifteen years, Faye only mentioned her ex and his wife in derogatory or cynical terms. She threw herself into her work. She tried to begin new relationships - all to no avail. She died an early death from cancer without ever getting past the personal hurt and public mortification the divorce caused.
2. Another Example of How Time Alone Does Not Heal the Pain of Divorce
The daughter of a divorced man, Robert, approached me to help her dad recover from his divorce. He and his wife argued over renting out the basement in their house. He opposed renting it. She rented it anyway to a single mother with an infant. One day the renter's ex came to the house and murdered his former wife and child. Robert could not take it and divorced her. He took the divorce hard. He isolated himself from his friends and family and started drinking heavily. How long he had been divorced? 13 years!
3. Time Alone Will Not Heal the Pain of Your Divorce
If time is supposed to heal all wounds, shouldn't 13 to 20 years surely be enough! They weren't. Time alone heals nothing. Andy Warhol, of all people, got it right when he observed, "They say that time changes things, but actually you have to change them yourself." It is not time per sé that facilitates recovery from divorce, but what we do with that time, as Laura's story below illustrates.
4. A Success Story - How Time Can Be Used to Make Divorce Recovery Successful
Laura had been divorced four years. The pain was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. She was so distressed she literally could not even say the name of her ex out loud. She had been told, "Give it some time and the pain will subside." She did, but it didn't. She was at her wit's end. She said, "I'll do anything" to get rid of the pain. For five weeks she worked with me on the tasks of making a smooth divorce recovery - dealing with her reactions, finding her personal resources, removing her barriers to change, etc. Afterwards, she not only was able to talk about her ex, but even was able to meet with her twice to recover some of her belongings she had been unable to retrieve. She used the time to make the change herself. She was on her way to a successful life after divorce.
5. What's the Point?
Time by itself heals nothing. Spending our time looking for what can be done that we can personally control is far more productive than sitting in the shadows waiting for time to "make things right." Our job is to use our time to deal with the emotion-based as well as the rational demands of making a smooth recovery from divorce.
Related Tags: divorce, life after divorce, divorce recovery, after divorce, recovery from divorce, jerald young, divorce recovery coach
To learn more about the divorce recovery process and how you can speed up your return to a "normal" life, go to http://www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress Level go to http://www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com/Stress My name is Jerald Young and I help divorced clients return to the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered by the chains of anger, resentment, and shame that accompany divorce. Your Article Search Directory : Find in Articles
Recent articles in this category:
- The Resurgence of Fred Perry Clothing
Summer might long be over and Wimbledon may be a distant memory, however the fashion is a year round - Uncovering Men's Tank Tops
I don't know a thing about you, but I'll bet that you have worn a tank top. Tank tops have also been - Make Use of Silk Scarves to Take Good Care of Your Skin
In the event you are new about silk scarves, you could never read about this particular feature of s - Just For Men Scarves - the Preference For Guys in the Vogue Domain
If you are not certain what style of present you could provide for men, maybe you can consider men s - Think Black Friday Shopping is Beyond Your Budget?
Moms who are juggling the bills and still trying to provide the perfect holiday gift to loved ones a - How to Make Conscious Shopping Choices
Many people have heard the phrase "voting with your dollars" and they understand that it means your - Silk Scarves - Unique Present Approach in Xmas Seasons
The most prevalent silk add-on is scarves, and many focus is presented on inspired designing on thes - Benefits of an Aloe Vera Shampoo
A lot of people are not aware of the specific benefits that using an aloe vera shampoo can do to the - How Effective is the Power of Your Subconscious Mind?
Most people are bombarded with this thought whenever they feel weak and wish to affect certain chang - Silk Scarf - the Record For Human Being in the Style History
Throughout the 19th and 20th centuries the worldwide recognition of silk scarves developed dramatica
Most viewed articles in this category:
- Surf and Turf: the Race Track
Surf and Turf: The Race TrackOne of the favorite places for The G to hang out at, especially in Summ - Are You Looking For Cholesterol Drugs Without Side Effect?
High cholesterol level is probably one of the widely spread complication among Americans. Almost for - Friday the 13th could be a lucky day?
Friday the 13th sounds unlucky ? Traditional superstition ? And a lot of people dislike it and beli - Don't Judge A Man
Our world is full of bad tongues, fault-finders, gossipers, mockers, and insulters but do these grou - When Personalized Gifts Make a Difference
Finding the right gifts for a particular occasion is always a challenging task. Sometimes it is nic - Managing My Resistance: Learning To Flow With What Life Offers
One of the things that interests me most about conflict is the tendency to resist it and the ways in - What Are Horoscopes Based On?
If you do not know much about astrology, you may wonder what are horoscopes based on and how astrolo - 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make
We often find ourselves amid the wreckage of a love gone wrong, wringing our hands and asking, "Why - Motivation as the heart of self improvement
You should be able to find several indispensable facts about Motivation in the following paragraphs - Is Complete Abstinence from Use of Paychoactive Substances Necessary for Recovery?
Can a sober alcoholic in recovery who has no history of abuse of marijuana, use marijuana without