The Seven Secrets To Handling Life's Hurts


by Norman Barlow - Date: 2006-12-04 - Word Count: 1778 Share This!

Major setbacks can be effectively managed. Here are some real-world principles for handling them when they come your way.

1. "Don't rush the process of pain."

It may be physical or emotional pain that you are experiencing, or both. Sometimes, we have to go through this process of realizing how bad our situation is before we crawl up and out of it to look at the possibilities. In time, you will learn how to take a kick in the gut, feel the pain, and continue to persevere. Sometimes, it feels as if you have had your heart ripped out, and you have been left bleeding all over the place. You can't stop the bleeding no matter how you position your hands to apply pressure. The pain just seems to flow everyday; and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it. The next step is to move from focusing on the pain, to getting a plan together to make the best of what you have left. It is learning to focus on what you have left rather than what you have lost. It is transforming the pain into a constructive breaking point experience and moving forward.

This process takes different time frames for each of us. Life's painful events can either make us a "bitter" person or a "better" person. We can either walk through life as an angry victim asking, "Why me?" or we can let the process of pain shape us into a more compassionate, empathetic, and stronger person. I do believe that learning to keep moving ahead, in spite of your pain, builds perseverance and the stuff that champions and top achievers are made of.

2. "Learn how to manage your negative self-talk."

Seventy-seven percent of what we say to ourselves is negative in nature. Sometimes that hits the 90% mark when we experience a major setback in our life. One of the best ways to manage our negative self-talk is to relabel what it is we are experiencing in order to diminish the emotional intensity connected to the words we use to describe how we feel. I remember after my serious car accident in 1995 sustaining a head injury how I would feel discouraged when I focused on how I would stutter. I would say to myself, "Who would ever hire a speaker who stutters? Nobody will ever want me". I then looked at my stuttering in a new context and said to myself, "I will just tell people I have PPS - Porky Pig Syndrome"-Bedip, bedip, bedip, be dats all folks!" I would blame my years of watching Porky Pig for my stuttering since he was my role model!

I changed my unresourceful feelings connect to my stuttering by putting it in a humorous light.

Did I stop stuttering?

No.

However, instead of using negative self-talk and making myself feel depressed, I diminished the negative emotional intensity by reframing it with the use of humor connected to Porky Pig.

3. "Realize that sometimes as you are in the process of achieving your goals, life gets in the way."

Just this morning, I woke up feeling somewhat negative. I then changed my focus by asking myself the question, "What can I do to get out of this state? What has worked before?" I looked forward to getting on the treadmill for a run and then working on this book. My outlook began to improve.

After getting off the treadmill, I went to put on my newly purchased $400.00 glasses I had left on top of the air hockey table. I went upstairs and searched for them. They were no where to be found. Then, I noticed an odd-shaped piece of twisted metal-looking like a form of abstract art-lying on the kitchen floor beside the dog's food dish. It was my glasses!

Our dog, Oreo, had stood up on his back legs, stretched himself out over the air hockey table, and grabbed my glasses. He took them upstairs where he could enjoy chewing them undisturbed.

My brand new $400.00 glasses were destroyed. Oreo, who is part Australian shepherd and part Border Collie, had a wonderful time using them as a chew toy!

Sometimes we can learn how to manage our emotional states and outlook on life; however, we can't prevent things from happening in our lives. Life happens. Setbacks happen. The unexpected happens.

4. "Do the best with what you have and where you are. Then, improve upon it."

I like to call this, "Go with what you have left". When you face an unexpected situation, start focusing on what resources you have left rather than on what you have lost. Make the most out of what you have left and enhance them to their fullest capacity.

My car broke down the day before Christmas, and my youngest son, Michael, and I were stranded at the side of a rural highway. I didn't have the cell phone with me, and there were no houses in sight. It was also very cold out, and the wind was howling.

I looked in the trunk and found a survival kit I had put in the back of the car in case of an emergency.

Michael seemed scared and nervous; the temperature began to fall quickly. In the kit, I had gum, candies, flares, some basic first aid supplies, a lighter, and candles. I also had those space blankets that look like tin foil. I wrapped Michael up in the blanket and lit a couple of tea light candles and set them on the dashboard.

"Hey, Michael, we are going to have a party!" I said.

We divided the candy and pretended we were just camping out for awhile. We talked about how someone might stop to help us and that we had enough candles to keep us warm until help arrived.

Soon, someone I knew came up, banged on the window, and helped us out.

Michael learned to do the best you can with what you have and where you are--even if you don't have much.

5. "Challenge the so-called 'experts'."

Sometimes, you have to challenge the prophetic utterances of others who tell you that whatever it is you want to have or accomplish is impossible. When you face a major setback in your life, you are often vulnerable and often look to the experts for help.

Sometimes they are wrong. Sometimes they fail to realize that those who have a tremendous desire to accomplish their goals, do so despite their personal circumstances and impossibilities.

I came across a listing of a few "experts," and here is what they had to say: "This telephone has too many shortcomings to be considered as a means of communication. The device has no value to us." -Western Union internal memo, 1876

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -Spencer Silver on the work that led to Post-It note pads

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -Decca Recording Co. rejecting The Beatles, 1962

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

6. "See every setback as an opportunity for a comeback."

When the unexpected happens, you will feel the shock; you will feel the pain. It may throw you off your game for awhile while you regroup.

Then, come to the place of breaking point once again and turn the situation around. Use your setback as an opportunity for a comeback. Surprise the critics, the experts, the nay sayers, and those who thought you had been knocked down for the count.

Frank Sinatra said, "The best revenge is massive success."

I'm not saying you hate those who have hurt you or attempted to stop you from working on your dream.

I am saying that you can reframe negative experiences and use them to motivate yourself to achieve your goals. To prove to those who thought you would amount to nothing that you are capable of making something out of your life.

Rebuild what you have left and move on despite how you feel some days. Push yourself through the bad days; and, in doing so, making it through them the next time will get just a little bit easier as you develop perseverance.

"Thomas Edison's Dreams Go Up in Smoke"

Thomas Edison received a phone call in the middle of the night informing him that his plant in Orange County was going up in flames. Edison, his wife, and his son got in their car and drove to the site. Edison and his son got out of the car, and watched as the building burned.

"Go get your mother. She needs to see this," Edison told his son.

He stood there with his wife and son, watching the blazing fire climbing ever higher into the sky.

"Isn't this something. We will never see a fire like this again. Look at those magnificent flames!" said Edison, as he watched his blueprints, plans, and prototypes from years of research literally go up in smoke.

The next day while Edison and his son were walking through the rubble, Edison bent down and picked up the charred remains of a prototype he had invested years of time and money into developing. His son thought Edison was about to cry as he held the charred remains in his hands.

Edison stood up and said, "Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. All our mistakes have been burned up, and now we can start anew!"

Edison did go on to rebuild his factory and went on to invent the world's first phonograph, as well as thousands of other inventions.

No matter what happens in our lives, we can make the choice. We can become bitter or better. Better people handle life's setbacks. How? They realize that it is never too late to start a new beginning.

7. "Ask yourself 'discovery' questions."

When you encounter a setback, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What have I learned about myself?

2. What have I learned about others?

3. What will I do from now on as a result of this experience?

4. What might I have done differently to prevent this?

5. How many different ways can I turn this adversity into an opportunity?

Successful people are often those who have failed the most. They are those who have often been hurt the most. They are those who have often been disappointed the most. However, the one key trait every successful person possesses is the ability to carry on toward the achievement of their goals despite adversity.

Personal achievement is not reserved for the intelligent, the good looking, or those who have all the right connections. As you examine the lives of top achievers, you will discover that their perseverance in spite of adversity and not allowing themselves to be controlled by their 'feelings' is the key character qualities they have developed over time.


Related Tags: emotions, pain, hurt, sad, hopeless, dispair, cry

Norman has over a decade of experience as a professional psychotherapist in the field of psychiatry. He holds a Master's degree and two earned Doctorate degrees in the field of counseling and is a Master NLP Practitioner. He is also a member of The Ontario Association of Consultants, Counselors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists. He is the author of the audio book "The Success Formula" and his work has been featured in the media and journals. Currently, he is completing a book entitled "Breaking Point" Transforming the Life you Have into the Life You Want that will be published and released in September 2007.

The most frequent comment organizations and meeting planners see on the speaker evaluation forms filled out by members of the audience is "When can we have Norman back to speak to us again?"

www.normanbarlow.com

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