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1. Business News, US Asks Planet Jupiter for Financial Bailout

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-10
   Dec. 10, 2008: With global stock markets tanking, the President of the United States today embarked on a daring initiative to resolve the problem. He sent a team of senior financial officials...

2. Business News, Zzzzzzzz$

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-10
   Zimbabwe used to enjoy a healthy and vital economy. Today, its official inflation rate has surged to 231,000,000%. Zimbabweans have seen their livelihoods go down the open cesspool, healthcare eva...

3. Current Affairs, Osama bin Laden Endorses McCain

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-08
   Oct. 10, 2008: Osama bin Laden, from his suite at the Watergate complex, issued a statement today that he, and the Al-Qaeda executive committee, were endorsing Sen. John McCain for President of th...

4. Current Affairs, Paulson Puts the USA On eBay

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-08
   Dec 11, 2008: Faced with an ever-deepening financial crisis, the NYSE Composite at an all-time record low of 9½, and Standard & Poor's renaming themselves Poor's & Poorer's, Ben Bernanke, Chairma...

5. Current Affairs, US Treasury Issues First Ever Million Dollar Bill

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-06
   Dec 11, 2008: Share prices were sharply lower across the board on fears that the fifth $700 billion bailout package this week would not be enough to prevent the US economy from going the way of En...

6. Current Affairs, The Biggest Give 'Em the Finger in the History of Humankind

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-10-03
   Even César Baldaccini, in his wildest dreams, would not have gone this far. Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Saddam Hussein, Kim Il-sung, neither. It went down this way. George W. Bush, Henry Pauls...

7. Current Affairs, John McCain Suspends The United States of America

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-27
   Toad Suck, Arkansas, Saturday 27 September Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain announced Saturday that he was suspending the United States of America because of the imminent threat of in...

8. Current Affairs, President Bush Declares That Offshore Drilling Will Save The Polar Bears

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-27
   The President of the United States, alarmed at the prospect of polar bears drowning as they desperately search for melting icebergs, has ordered- as a purely humanitarian gesture- the implantation...

9. Current Affairs, McCain And Obama Declare Joint Presidency of The United States

   by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-27
   Presidential hopefuls Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama have decided, at a secret meeting with Lou Dobbs and Oprah Winfrey, to cut their losses, donate the balance of their war chests t...

10. Current Affairs, Palin and Putin. Are They a Number?

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-27
    First, she revealed, on prime time, her "Trade missions" to Russia. Then she declared she could actually "see" Russia from the house she shares with her trusting husband. Revealingly, sh...

11. Current Affairs, Paulson Hires Robert Mugabe As Financial Advisor

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-18
    Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced today that he is engaging Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe, as special cousellor on finanncial matters. He would be assisted by his elite, personal a...

12. Business Opportunities, So You Wanna Be a CEO?

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-17
    Good timing. Good timing. There's a ton a vacancies right now. Due to the unexpected retirement of several highly respected CEOs, Wall Street is urgently looking for replacements. Qualif...

13. Current Affairs, The USSR Is Dead. Long Live The USSA

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-17
    The United Socialist States of America, that is. Karl Marks, Leon Trotsky, and Vladimir Ilyich Lenin must be goose-stepping in their graves. The Wall Street capitalist system has finall...

14. Current Affairs, You, Too, Can be President of the United States.

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-13
    It's true that, by the standards of the past eight years, anyone- even Warren G. Harding- could be an effective president of the United States. If you've run a family, or a launderette, you could ...

15. Current Affairs, Another Memo to Messrs Obama & McCain

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-13
    The US of A and, everyone beholden to it is in deep caca. Never, since Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill has the United States of America, and the rest of the world, faced such a b...

16. Current Affairs, Memo to Messrs Obama & McCain

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-11
    First, you gave us the "Pit Bull with Lipstick." Then, you morphed it into "Lipstick on a Pig." Now, this is all a teeny bit, you know, I mean, well, icccky. Gents in plastic raincoats ...

17. Current Affairs, Sex. Drugs. Gifts. Probes

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-11
    Don't you just love it? I mean, here we are, drowning in a funky gunky swamp of lipstick on pigs and pit bulls, yet CNN manages to come up with "Sex, drugs, gifts uncovered in government oil probe...

18. Current Affairs, Pit Bull With Lipstick

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-08
    Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. After months- years it seems, sometimes- of good old sexism, racism, lies, broken promises, scandals, slanging matches, insults, knee-c...

19. Current Affairs, The Ultimate Golden Parachute

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-09-08
    If you are an American taxpayer, that's you, dummy. If you thought gasoline prices, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were the pits, hold your breath. There's a whole bunch of freeloaders lining up ...

20. Current Affairs, Obama, The Pasteurization Of. Read All About It.

    by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - 2008-07-12
    A few days ago, possibly during some drug-induced trance or, more realistically, after sleeping through a Lou Dobbs rant, one wrote a piece, here published, entitled "The Pasteurization of Barack...

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